one, two, three

Here we are again.

The last few weeks were pretty much intense in almost every meaning, but nothing overcomes heart subjects.

I started off this year almost as cold as I've never been, trying to focus only on those fields i normally give more attention to.

Time flies away with the wind, my friend, and the same wind brings you a lot of sincerely unexpected gifts – some not really 'great'.

And there was me and my personal Barbie. Yes, you might take it as a doll if it sounds comfortably funnier to you.

Exchanging looks, smiles and mutual utter admiration. Nonstop fun. Living was smooth and fine, so much I wouldn't bother going into my routine everyday, forever. It would definitely surpass all my usual stagnation aversion. It was worth it.

My little personal Barbie, however, is cursed – that's the only explanation I can honestly think of.

What do you do when you are standing in the middle of the arena where everything you love and treasure is fighting to death?

What do you do when the gods send you graces just for the horrifying pleasure to increase your pain and torture?

Yes, I can totally understand it's being painful.

Tickets were bought, travelling is not far ahead.

Why? That's what I started to question myself. The union was broken. My personal vows of eternal fidelity met an invincible obstacle.

And the blue sky suddenly turned grey, the happy tune became an orchestra tragedy. And, deep in my heart, a whole mess emerged.

As I said to a friend one of these days, I'm pretty much a Neanderthal when it comes to understanding my feelings. When it's slightly more intense, all becomes a sexual infatuation and the tragedy is started. Sleepless nights apply.

Now the day is coming and I can't forgive, I can't be myself anymore.

Crazy mess inside of me. And it's bringing out the worst of me.

Meanwhile,

A mutual cordial request, and a sudden friendship was forced into me.

Now I ask, why?

Complain about your business, complain about your personal issues. Do it. I take it as an invitation to come in.

Slow observation what's featured on that playground... Me being a bad kid who wants x-ray glasses.

And then,

Little piece of heaven, angel face.

Forcing myself not to become a stalker again.

Have you counted?

So, this sums up everything on rather an incomplete way.

Hopefully, it gets you, dear reader, to imagine how messy these last few weeks have been to my, er, undergrounds. Yes, I've found myself walking around them lately.

And to those who are leaving, goodbye.

You'll be breaking my heart.

But won't be taking any of me

And that's what we've got for today, just for today.

Best wishes!

Easter Rabbit, what’cha got for me?

On Thursday-like Tuesday, here we are, making a few considerations about life.

On a breeze, my life is going. Softly, mildly, much like Goldfrapp's Road to Somewhere – which i happen to be listening to on this very moment.

It's a bit funny, graceful yet a bit of painful that all those frenzy pumpin' non-stopping emotion moments are on the last year.
Well, they ain't, actually. 2008 The Greatest So Far may have been gone, but 2009 is being a lot above kind.

:)

I've been reflecting how loveless this year has been.
No, I'm not talking about love on a wide approach, but just on the sense that first comes to our mind when we think about it: the erotic kind of love.
Apparently, no solid thought about it has passed through my mind lately... it feels like, I don't know... I'm not that into it anymore (or for now).
Obviously, it's not that I haven't noticed or had some interest upon anyone; it's apparently lacking only that specific person to fancy, to think about before I fall asleep.

I definitely don't miss it: the least it can cause is a heartbreak.
However, I can't help but admitting it's all part of growing up, so... it's lacking on me, I feel.

What will the future be?

Easter's coming now with nothing for me but a few extra pounds, I guess. No, there's absolutely no ridiculous "love waiting" for Easter, lol, the Easter subject is totally unrelated.
I'm actually waiting for no bigger new or surprise this Easter. What I'm really hoping for is peace, a bit more of peace – my life's pretty much peaceful now, as I said above.

That's why, maybe, I ain't craving for love now. I don't want to catch myself running wildly on my deepest undergrounds; that's definitely terrible... If you search back on this very blog, you might discover what I'm talking about...

So, peace, that's it.
It's all about going for my aims now. And life lightly, still with a bit more depth and intensity.

I mean, why must it be wrong to be like the others?
Didn't I hate those people by pure envy?

Yes, that intrigues me. Maybe I shouldn't mind so much about it all and just live my moment... Or hide myself away and get a bit more ready.

I still don't feel proper.

How bad.

 

Well, a lot of twisted thoughts all thrown and mixed together.
Guess this post is done.

 

xoxo, happy easter.

The power of inability

And then you have all (the rest of the) day off, so you can put on practice all of your wishes and new-year resolutions. You can work on changing the world, your world. You can... make it all happen.

But you are just sitting. And you don't go any further.

It's all misplaced, it's all against you. The strength given is not actually enough, and you feel it really hard to concentrate.

The world turns outside of your prison, things are simply happening there, all over.

Occasional glimpses to blurred figures on a window, that's all you get from the reality.

You think of your faults, and blame them all to you and only you. No, you blame it on everyone, knowing not so deep inside that you are the only one to blame.

You feel hatred. You feel furiousness. You feel it all hurting the very heart of yourself.

You feel the world spinning, the sun running across the ceiling, the day coming to an end... All without you, all against you.

That's when you feel unable, useless, giving up all of your achievements and possibilities by pure and unstoppable negligence. Just like water slipping through your fingers, falling on the floor, penetrating the Earth. Impossible to get it back.

Time flies, and you have a reputation to keep. Not so much to stand up to the others, but pretty much to yourself. Should you learn, my dear, that mirrors can be all gentle and flattering, but when they decide to be cruel, they can cut you to the bones, they can make you bleed inside. And how can you handle a situation where it's you sabotaging yourself?

You don't think you can rescue yourself, you only wish you could.

Bad feelings, bad thoughts... And more bad feelings attracted by your bad thoughts, coming hand-in-hand with unpleasant events.

 

That's basically what I'm into now.

Twisted emotions, twisted moments. It's all spinning inside, preventing me to recover the orgasmic feeling of plenitude.

 

I do feel blessed and thankful for everything that's in my hands now, I suppose I should be here just thanking for every single blessing...

The inability to reach satisfaction, however, is part of the human nature, isn't it?

 

I'm not good at not getting what I want. And I'm not afraid to sound spoiled.

It's my nature.

Meanwhile, I just don't feel able to stop my feeling of inability.

What do I do?

How can I fight it?

... 
 

Have a nice weekend, my dear

xoxo