Friday, 31 December 2010
Enjoy the parties or (occasionally dull) family dinners and, please, be thankful - even if it's only for being alive on this December 31st.
Breathe some life in!
Cheers, looking forward to see you tomorrow!
Friday, 10 December 2010
Then the clouds vanished away. Out of nothing.
All of a sudden, sun was visible, shining in such an intensity that even left me blind.
Flowers fell from the sky while glory called my name.
It was time for the sweet, so long looked-forward harvest.
All of a sudden, all at once, it was time to run.
All of a sudden, all at once, it was time to resurrect old postponed plans.
All of a sudden, all at once, and maybe faster than my mind could fully process, my plans for 2010 were becoming reality.
The puzzle was then being solved.
Apparently on the next minute, I was in the dirty capital city, confirming what I had seeded.
It was a dream coming true, another big step into my future, as a ratification that my plans had always been in the right direction.
Honestly, I’m not exactly sure of whether I was ready or not.
The time did not actually feel very proper, nor my spiritual state or even my looks.
Dreamt of that for so long… Now it was there, waiting for me. Is it that wrong to idealise a better scenario?
Ready or not, though, I was going to grab it with both hands.
Making girls proud, making boys envious.
That’s what boys were made for, I guess.
Glory, not yet tasted to its entire this far – the thankfulness, however, is unquestionable.
And then it was time to gaze the future.
All I saw was the world, laying in front of me, all mine to conquer.
So I became a shooting star, crossing the sky, the lines and the continents.
The big cities of the first world were awaiting me, offering me a sea of possibilities.
A long dream it seemed, while the pieces were getting together, solving the puzzle of life on such a soaring, gentle and beautiful fashion.
So much to see, feel, sense. So much to live!
Aware of that, I tried to live every single moment. Done my best.
Flights and long walks.
Friendship and brotherhood.
Angels and might-have-beens.
Laughter and following dark directions.
Parties and laying in different beds.
I had my moment and, well, perhaps the time of my life.
Heading my way back home, I could only feel myself as a world citizen.
Felt like someone who belongs to the world only, who could be taken anywhere, to the destiny’s free will.
Such a sense of adventure, of freedom!
While the roses were still falling from the sky, I was feeling so relieved, so back to life – or perhaps eagering to finally come into a brand new life.
And I actually feel quite renewed.
It all felt pretty much like a fresh breeze blowing through my soul, cleaning away all the black spots and the accumulated mud inside me.
Back home, it’s a whole different world, a whole different view.
I’m still, though, terribly tired and very sick as well - coming down with a mysterious fever that is leaving me rather knocked down.
Maybe it’s been too much for just a boy like me to take. Maybe it's been too much for anyone to take.
Time will clean it away. For I have faith in that.
Despite it all, I do feel that a new dawn is beginning, full of exciting new challenges and choices.
All at once, my life is refreshed, and I’m very excited and looking forward to what the future will bring!
I sincerely wish you enjoy yourself on great moments of your own, dear reader!
Saturday, 6 November 2010
Sunny, deep blue sky took over, as well as the very well known torturing heat, which’s just on its very beginnings.
South hemisphere’s summer is definitely on its way.
More than that, though, this month is born having the responsibility to bear, all at once, every single dream and plan I once made for this year.
A few weeks ago, as reported on the previous post, my cards castle so carefully built for months suffered an apparent shake, so I had to rush to try getting everything into place.
I needed to save it, needed to save my life.
So I did every single thing at reach.
Investigations to details, a hand from angels walking on Earth, invisible radiation lights, long and deep breaths, prayers, a bit of sweet-smelling smoke and sleepless nights after, I can only say, by now, that at least I’m physically alright.
Health-wise, the night of the lost screams has apparently been just a (hard to forget) scary episode that might never occur again.
This is, in very few words, an immense relief.
On the other fields of life, all that is left for me – for now – is the bitter wait.
Oh, this painful war…
The crossed fire is now over and the troops are back to the headquarters.
I was a soldier in this battle myself.
And I fought in green.
Analysis and accountings are now taking place somewhere, while I, still craving for the colours of rebirth, hold a picture of a sweet life close to my heart, clinging to my dreams and my faith.
Moreover, it is my utter despair to scream it's all a question of the simples, purest Justice.
Justice is only one thing, unexplainable but fully understood by its simple mention.
And this is exactly the same Justice I've chosen to dedicate my life to reach.
Imagining a picture of having this dream taken away from my arms is just wholly unfair, in a way I'm just lost for words to describe.
Such an unfair scenario is something that truly leads me to total perplexity, but at the same time gives me the surety that I did my best - and this something no one will ever take from me.
Oh Divine Justice, shall not Thou let me down.
And the clock seems to linger at every second mark.
My skin itches, my back hurts.
Every little thing is a sign. Every ritual broken might mean a huge disaster – OCD starts to show, stronger than ever.
But I, rather obviously, ought to keep my cool, kill time and get my mind somewhere else - let’s plan an empty trip, let’s hang out with a stranger, let’s play silly, let’s read a blank book.
And the clock continues to stays still.
There’s not a lot I can do right now, I guess, other than living for the moment.
You can call me spoiled, you can call me unthankful.
If that’s fair for you, it’s ok for me.
I surely am, however, deeply aware of all the blessings I’ve been sent, and terribly thankful for each one of them.
Life is surely wonderful and there isn’t a bit I could complain of.
Still, it’s not my fault – I believe – if I happened to be born with this insistent itch to always keep moving, keep walking (or why not running) and never let the journey stop.
In the end, in a very Kylie's fashion, I just want tomorrow to be better than today.
And I light a candle for this dream.
Dear reader, might your tomorrow be better than today.
Have a great weekend!
Sunday, 17 October 2010
It’s been a year of discovering, exploring, tasting and, on wider terms, hunting, on a more general sense.
Hunting like a dog for its life, for its future, for its immediate supply.
It has been fun, teasing, exciting.
Actually, everything was purely bright and colourful a couple of weeks ago.
Life was wonderful and brilliant, as it was mirroring itself on exactly two years ago.
But far from being perfect, a few battles and heartbreaks after, some negative effects have started to show.
Earlier this week, for instance, the nights of the furiously frozen body showed what they were being a prologue to.
That same evil presence around me, that same feeling of being watched and controlled, taken over. It was there again.
Then I was screaming and running for safety, only to find a pair of terrified eyes… My last memory, before falling to the floor and waking up a couple of hours later, far from wherever I felt.
Little i remember from then. Just some flashes and unconnected scenes. Never before my memory failed so largely.
Health issues -- i now apparently have some relevant ones, so i’m working on indentifying and, well, battling them.
It was all just a scare, i guess.
Or a sign with more spiritual meanings… A presage.
How i wish, however, this was my only concern right now.
Then my dreams come to scene. So chased after this year.
I promise you, my dear reader, if i didn’t give my blood to them, i would sure have given, had i had the chance or the instant to.
Never before it all seemed so close. I could nearly touch them.
As i said, everything was painted on the deep and happy colours of good uncertainty.
Yes, sometimes in this life there’s some sort of good doubt, and this is utterly sweet living in.
How i hope these times had not passed…
Surety, however, comes.
This time, not close as sweet as the preceding wondering.
Why? I ask myself, struggling to find an answer.
Living in wondering and doubt is mostly so amazing. When things come to the concrete field, they either bring you deception or just merely stop being funny.
This is a rule of life, now i guess.
For me, the sweetness is gone, and I’m on the most bitter, sour moments of this year.
I was suddenly so close to my dreams, but yet pulled away by my left foot, so painfully.
I can’t reach it just yet.
Once again, I’m living on the uncertainty.
A bitter, agonising, painful uncertainty.
It all seems as if the colourful sunny sky of weeks ago was covered by dark, rainy clouds.
So I dress in green.
Green is for the power of nature. It’s for rebirth. It’s for hope.
Hope that it all will pass and I shall eventually be living my dreams, my life as I have planned it.
And dressed in green, I prayed and asked for Heaven’s help as I followed the Saint Virgin, Mother of God, through the streets on this very Sunday.
Yes, my Catholic roots show every now and then.
How I wish I’m protected and looked after right now.
Hopes and hopes. That’s what I cling to, so that I can still breathe.
Still dressed in green, I fold my sleeves and head onto the battle.
The war isn’t over, and I’m bound to win it.
It’s all just a storm.
It will be gone eventually.
And the sun will shine again.
Oh, dear reader, live to your best!
Have an amazing week.
Saturday, 21 August 2010
...i should've already written about the oh-so-many things i've been through lately.
...i need to write anything, just to relief the pressure, to feel a bit better.
anyway, it's been intense.
will i make it?
Thursday, 1 July 2010
Back in early May, as this very blog would show you with unbeatable clarity, a wild lonely heart crossed countries to go after some comfort, some domestication and some sleep.
It may have been successful, I guess, can’t remember clearly anymore.
So many smiles, so many unique moments of pure joy, them all lying along that too short weekend.
Oh Lord… It feels like many years have passed since…
Back to my everyday personal martyrdom, the light that those joyful hours cast on my life lasted only for so long.
It was like waking up from a sweet dream, trying to figure out what a marvellous chapter to my life had just been written. And finished.
Time is money, they say. The more you get, the more you want, may I add.
Sometimes, you’re just not worthy enough.
The clock ticks, your heart beats.
And you’re lost.
May and June became such a period of shattered heart, crying anguish and despair.
My productivity ran low, which doubles, triples, multiplies to infinity the damages.
I had to go hunting. I felt allowed to do so.
No big preys.
But, as some sort of light to a dark storm, a quite called-for call – sorry for the cacophony.
Driving on a cold night and then I was on that rather empty apartment.
A lonesome wolf I found in front of me and I was ready to be beaten. Or wasn’t?...
“I’m not one of those”, I said.
And I’m really not.
I shan’t wait for no call back.
All this sums how bitter my personal year is finishing on the heart matters.
Some candy was found, of course. But still, rather bitter.
And while writing this, I made a break, to cross the lines again, with a dearest friend.
Many smiles. Quite a few hours of conversation, to a hyper caloric ice cream, as cold as the weather itself – but still as delighting as her presence.
Guess this is the sweetest end June could have.
Let July start, let a new age begin.
Tuesday, 11 May 2010
A few days passed, a few things happened.
I failed at most exams and my heart was mostly forgotten, still a few beats were still missing.
Time was simply passing.
I was simply existing.
Walking in any streets, I was simply letting go, letting life guide me anywhere.
And sometimes, that’s enough.
Running from the world, I was found.
Spotted and captured by an angel. Purity and innocence. Cleverness and utter cuteness.
Only a few minutes of information and nothing else was necessary. Aphrodite’s son hit me yet another time.
Once again, I was taken aback and my mind was absolutely somewhere else.
My thoughts, my heart, they were all pointing to other side of the line, of the edges.
And our moments became so warm, so special, so beautiful.
Like a poetry written in bad English, feelings were the only motor force behind us, making it all appealing just for the hearts involved, no one else.
We were quietly moving fast into a new direction. Maybe I was going even faster myself.
No, the tension moments are to be forgotten.
Got my admission.
Then I left my house, left my clothes. Crossed the bridge, crossed all the lines.
Inside me, a wide open door.
Heaven knows. You’re so worth it.
Hit the road.
At that point, I was pretty much uncertain on what exactly I was after, or if I was ever going to get any of it.My fear led me to establish a limit of my hopes: that was a quest for my sanity. I needed some fresh air. I needed to go somewhere new.
My throat was, however, half closed. There was that burning crave inside of me. Difficult to win it over.
A gentle old lady beside me giving me the candies I needed to make the sour flavour of waiting just a bit sweeter.
Heart beating hard. Butterflies in my stomach, flying up to my throat and almost finding their way out of my mouth.
“All the luck to you, my young boy” – the words I heard from that lovely old woman as she, with her both hands, held my right hand, immediately before we went separate ways.
And there it was, staring back at me: the sweetest reality.
I was feeling obviously nervous, but the tension slowly gave space to comfort and to a very enjoyable time.
Yes, I was enjoying myself amidst that unknown place. Such a lovely piece of country to be and to explore your universe.
“It’s weird, I’m not nervous with you” were the words I, once again, heard, sitting on the terrace of that intimate restaurant, which provided a romantic environment and a beautiful view of the coast – sadly and ironically spoiled by the darkness of the night. But the words, would they, this time, be enough?
Slowly walking back home, the lights and the stars glowing in our eyes, and the emotion making me truly starry eyed.
And then I threw my heart.
Let’s join forces/We’ve got the guns and horses
Next thing… We’re touching.
Oh dear reader. Just a bunch of new experiences and dreams come true.
Just beauty and colours.
And then it was time to leave.
Things went a bit cold, actually.
A shock of views, a shock of culture, and then you can nearly have a glimpse of how bloody wars have their beginnings…
Friendship is a promise. Am I breaking it?
Pretend you can’t take what you’ve found.
Three magic words. Three overrated words. Three forbidden words. Internationally.
And as the autumn rain started it – eventually violent – falling, I took my way back home.
And the holidays were over.
I don’t think I’ll ever understand how things happened and how they reached that point. I don’t think I’ll ever understand how I walked into that trap and how it all turned out to be what it did.
So magical, yet so twisted and complex.
My heart feels more comfortable, but, still, obviously not satisfied.
And my quest for sanity, well, it ended up being a bit successful actually.
Nevertheless, I’m still just existing, just breathing.
When will I live?
These questions keep bugging me. Meanwhile, I act random, I move away from myself.
And life, lived or not, keeps on.
Hope I can get myself on track really soon.
Amazing midweek, dear reader.
Friday, 2 April 2010
That night was just another night.
A good weekend, flavoured with the anticipation for the week that would follow – featuring the most providential free time I could have ever prayed for.
The day – when I’m going to be put on one of the most important and once-in-a-lifetime tests of my whole life – was getting closer hence the tension inside me was growing bigger and bigger, to a point I couldn’t quite control myself for some times.
Let’s have a break.
A recent article – such a perfect excuse for my google skills – and there I was, going for silly and time-killing expedition.
What was I looking for? ...Do I even know? – deep inside, though, I probably do.
And so I jumped into another and more specific adventure.
Press the shuffle button.
Focus on me, focus on them. What do you do when you don’t actually appreciate the track?
And so, on that huge playlist, I found it.
There it was: the song I had been looking for.
Deepest electronica – pulsing immediately through my veins, giving me electric shocks. I was listening to lights. I was seeing magic. I was feeling music.
And what to do when a song gives all the love and energy back to you?
Quite some excitement, my dear reader.
I was hooked. “Repeat forever” was turned on.
How gentle from you.
On the dancefloor of life, I’d dance forever to that disco anthem.
Saturday nights, however, always come to an end.
As the working day dawned, the track, all of a sudden, was over.
The discothèque was closed.
…And the lights were simply blurred away.
Sadness. Quite a deep sorrow. Crave. Hunger.
Suddenly, on a moment I simply can’t remember, my once whole was felt to pieces and everyone was getting away with some portions on the hand.
Such a déjà-vu – and I cannot remember when it had happened before.
For that finished piece of while, I felt my heart beat again, I felt colours riding through my veins, being cast by my soul.
That taste of excitement, of a possibility.
And the sweetest, oh so damn rare feeling of reciprocity.
But the track, once so sweet, had reached its dead end.
Without the smoothness of a fade out, it was all gone.
Have you ever been relevant last week?
And now, quite ironically, it all seems like some sort of fair retribution from the universe.
For I have done this, I shall be a victim myself. For thou have been bruised, should thou be a criminal.
This time around, my criminal.
Victim of an assault, on the floor I was laying. So immature. So unable to get up and move life forward. Someone killed the groove.
What an uncalled for distraction to keep me away from what I should focus on. Damn!
Where’s your heart I’ve been asked.
It’s with that melody. With those lights. With these extremely brief burning moments on the dancefloor.
And as the day takes its slow walk away to sleep, I can only wonder...
Who’s gonna dance tonight?
Who will be tuning his heart to a perfect track?
Music is over and too much has been said. I have now left the disco scene swearing I was never gonna dance again...
My life, however, has to keep on, but - regardless my promises - not without the suffocated hopes for a new disco dream, for a new chance to become an eternal dancer.
Until then, shall we focus on what's important.
Thursday, 25 March 2010
Monday, 8 February 2010
Five full years culminating on a joyous weekend, full of emotions, celebrations, hugs, kisses and some champagne as well…
The day started soon. A surprise breakfast, with a shiny little gift inside…
Then gone to the so-called God’s House – it’s time to thank, isn’t it?
And the apparently most boring occasion simply turned out to be a very joyous and emotional moment for all of us.
Back home, to sort things out a little and get ready.
Always present, however, that handful of recent stress driving me mad and blurring somehow such a bright day.
The little devils were present as well, leading me to forced congeniality.
But these were celebratory times.
Phone calls, oh, how many of them.
Flattering words, not simply feeding your ego, but also making you sure that, in the end, you’ve gotten it all just fine.
Amazing. Each one of it.
And also, nearly a decade and a half later, three of the brothers were together again. Despite it all, I was near to a blow out, getting close to those unknown fields of absolute madness.
The time, however, had come.
Shall you just relax.
Driving alone to the rendezvous point, trying not to take that all as granted, as routine – I was finishing a whole era of my life after all!
An almost desert campus. Time to reflect.
So little is still left from the boy who was walking around those then giant and mazy corridors five years ago.
So much had happened. So many changes, so many rainbows after stormy weathers.
There was I, meeting my final destiny on that place.
And slowly the ice cube was melting – And no, I am not talking about the heat, which was rather intense anyway.
Everybody ready and lined up. It was time for the grand entrance.
And so the gate opened.
A dark room with flashing lights and lasers, an epic song, a full crowd standing up and welcoming us into the catwalk with a strong ovation. My heart went to bump hard.
Then I glimpsed a large-scale banner with our picture on it. I almost couldn’t help it.
For the first time, I felt absolutely taken aback by the whole occasion, trying hard to swallow the tears.
Sitting on my very chair, the time passed too fast. I wanted that to last forever.
Soon my name was called. Cheers, congratulations, pictures. My first moment. I was suddenly a Bachelor.
One more time, however, I was convoked to come to the main stage.
It was my most special moment of the night.
Merits being so openly recognized, clarifying me – If it wasn’t already clear enough – that I, in the end, had surely gotten it all just fine.
Five amazing years.
Gone so fast, but, still, undeniably lived to their full glory.
My goal: if I’m to make it, then don’t just merely make it – make it good, make it better, with distinction. Get a highlight and, if it happens to happen, a spotlight.
Mission fully accomplished.
And the extensively dreamed of celebration – which had already given me way too many headaches, must I mention – was taking place.
Guests showing up as the air of full excitement and accomplishment was getting stronger and stronger.
Kind words, amazing words. All joys and good vibrations centred in me.
An unvanishing smile carved in my face.
It was my night.
By the end of the party, even the financial luck showed up. It was definitely my night.
Gone home, still astonished.
How would I know it would all come to happen so wonderfully?
I’m still stunned by that whole day.
Following, the Saturday was time to celebration part II.
The prom. The big, long awaited and generally anticipated Law Prom.
Some things simply don’t happen in your life.
The big prom, my dear reader, simply didn’t happen to me.
All those black clouds were back in my mind, revenging the day before, when they had allowed me to enjoy for once.
I only had emotional conditions to meet the very basic protocol, leaving the party just after.
My night, now I see, was only the night before.
It was in the night before where all my happiness, joy and intensely best memories would lay forever.
And I had to simply conform with that.
In the end, I finished by becoming a Bachelor. Cum laurea.
The astonishing end of an astounding era.
Time to step into a new beginning.
The last few months, however, might have been a little harder than one could take loosely.
I need a small break. To celebrate, to reflect, to simply relax.
Deserved vacation, dear reader.
Heading to paradise now!
Sunday, 3 January 2010
After some time of absence, you just close your eyes and, that's all, the year ends and a brand new translational circle begins.
2010 is born. The oh-so-loved 2009 is nothing but a memory by now, and, might I say, such an amazing pack of memories!
For the first time, however, I'm writing this from my home city. No delicious trips to bigger metropolis and more advanced civilizations, where I'm already used to receive just the best vibrations for the just-born year.
This New Year party was, consequently, the less impressing and inspiring that I've had for quite some time… and that's something that annoyed me so much on the past couple of days, but SO much, that it has literally taken me to some rather dark routes of deliriousness, especially yesterday.
That's, by the way, the reason behind the delay of this post, which normally happens exactly by the first day of the new year.
It's over now, though. The bad feelings are gone.
You eventually accept that not everything goes as perfectly as it should, and, well, sun will come up anyway and you have to keep your faith, your beliefs and your strength. Everything will be alright.
It turns out that I'm feeling quite amazing today, so that I'm almost finally getting that feeling of a new year.
So, well, 2010!
What do I expect? Liberty, a bit of free time and, by now, pure randomness.
University is over, so is my academic life by now.
What are the plans? What steps to take now?
This flavour of randomness, although utterly scary, is challenging and quite exciting.
It feels like having a fully blank sheet of paper, where I can write and draw anything, anyway. My destiny is to be written.
So the brand new 2010 starts off really thrilling and feeling really fresh – and I mean really really, especially given I had these feelings by the first of January, when my emotions towards the new year were not exactly the best.
Let's keep on pushing, keep on improving, keep on chasing our dreams.
And you, what are you up to in this new year? Whatever it is, I hope you succeed and have an amazing time.
Beautiful 2010, dear reader!
Let's make a grand finale to the decade! (should I say, the new decade will start off only by 2011, don't you be fooled by the general misconception!)