Saturday, 31 March 2012

the last extravaganza

Circus in town! the banner said, picturing the creepy – but inviting – smile of a clown.

On the informed night, we headed towards The Big Top.
Lights and pyrotechnics. Laser beams and colourful LEDs ropes showing us the way.
I was falling into the night again, in that glowing circus extravaganza.
Acrobatic clowns, dressed in their finest exotic clothes, welcomed us in.

A few days had passed since I, yet again, had set foot in the eastern metropolis, on an endeavour to establish and understand, in final words, what kind of monsters are living inside me, if any, and how to get rid of them or, at least, lay them to sleep – forever.
Still not a solution, not an answer was provided. Nevertheless, my heart was filled with glorious emptiness as I gladly dove into the dog nights, so as to blur the memories by solidifying the (sort of) alternative universe I was living in. The life I want for always.

Even less days had passed since I, in contrast to the glamorous background of the past week, gave my first hesitant steps into the rocks in the river shore and felt the fresh water run through my toes, surrounded by the vibrant green hills of my very roots, not long before plunging all the way into the very own greenness of the watercourse.
Being so close to my origins and having seen as much as I had seen of the world, those few, quick minutes provided me with a spiritual, near religious experience.
May the cold waters have cleaned my soul. May it have washed away the monsters.

The extravaganza, however, was in the height of its luxury glory.
High-heighted peg legged artists and the acrobats were casting a barely felt magic to the crowd, and the pool reflected a trembling shimmer into the skies. Most of the waters, though, were properly covered by the balconies to be occupied by the snobbish attenders.

A luxury event that was hardly appealing, for many messy reasons, to this cluttered mind of mine, always so defying when it comes to a sharp recognizing of its cries.

/ flashback /

- How do you feel about that?, that high-pitched voice asked, clearly affected by the capital city accent.
- Well, it's… um… Sorry, can't tell much anything apart, I said, while sat on a hardly comfy couch, bit too tight for my particularly large thighs.

/ end of the flashback /

Faking glamour, we strolled around the place, which was getting more and more packed by the minute.
An acrobat caught my eyes, opening a smile so bright and wide that easily marvelled us.

Alcohol was casting its own magic to the crowd as the performance took off.
The music being played should be easily ignored. The wall of performers, however, offered another treat to our eyes.

Surrounded by the luxury of the extravaganza, by the strained glamour, by the marvel of the shallow hearts, we understood.

And in ode to our own shallowness, to our own loneliness, to our own weak magic, we danced – dancing, it seems, is an expression of deep sadness and joy for me.
The joker pointed its cards at us, a wildcat it was.
Barely sure whether I had lost or won the game, we left.

Under the big top we exploded with joy. Under the big top we took a bow to the sorrow.

This is the late night luck of us, my friend.
We keep pretending the marvellous world of wonders is real.
We keep falling in love with clowns, acrobats and performers.
We keep living the best of our lost youth.

We have grown alone. We have grown ruthless. We have grown up.

The circus left the town. The magician has given me no candies or habits out of his hat.

That was my last extravaganza for a while.
I'm done. This city serves me no more.

My duties are calling, in this spot of alternative space and time.
Soon the old town might be visited.
Soon my answers may arrive.
Soon my day will come.

Meanwhile, I shall be heading into the misty way of my future, breathing the bitter air of uncertainty.
But it does not matter, not matter what-so-ever.

The stars are shimmering beautifully in the autumn sky.
As the sun of the Sunday rises up, I feel goose bumps – is it the chilly weather announcing its arrival or the hope announcing it close presence?

Shall we just smile, for the answer is never precise.
Shall we just perform our numbers, for life is a beautiful circus extravaganza.

Have you performed your number, dear reader?