Innocence

Not that I have left DarkPills behind or have nothing to write about here.

It's just that there are so much things going on that I don't know just where to start from.

Well.

While hunting dogs or lower animals, you don't normally expect to find a tiger or a lion – sometimes you do find a peacock, but that's not the point.

You are truly bemused, but you're normally unable to deal with it and may find yourself on a true trouble.

I didn't meet a lion, but something placed right before it – quite like me.

Ambition, a clever mind, an unmistakably taste of innocence and puerility.

My routine was taken over.

Distance is not a major issue anymore.

I can hear you roar. I can see you exercising your predator instincts.

My mind was blown. My life was full of smiles and gentle words.

So innocently taken aback.

When actually shot down, everything went as fine and pleasant as they say it does.

Normal bumping, obviously.

My innocence now is just spiritual.

And I have quite a nice stone to cling to.

Thanks for the good moments.

X

Disabled

It's a quite cold Sunday on my dear rather-small city.

 

Recently, I found myself rushing my way back home asking, driving incautiously while asking to every alter-ego of mine what's wrong with me.

Maybe the stress. Maybe the overload.

 

Well, going back to the start, an opportunity to make some clandestine grooving in the first eventual corner had finally popped up again.

This time, however, no hardcore furtiveness was wished, so it was the perfect moment to head into the unknown and get to pay to have my secrets kept.

An unpleasant week was to be rewarded. Some studying, some decision-making and I went after my craving, quite late, but did go.

Switched places – "i guess you'll manage it better than me" –, not a very welcoming environment, and then, there I was.

 

The place wasn't exactly different from what I am used to, but very dissonant to my personal belief.

Candle light was preferred and the excitement was taking place.

The empty witchcraft circle was finally filled with our 8-points star: magic promised to have an unseen intensity that night.

 

How fool of me.

 

The biggest momentum was about to arrive. My turn was coming, quite a few years late.

For my utter deception, the wait went to get longer.

I didn't have the guts. I wasn't fully prepared. Nothing happened.

 

Blame it on the flowers, blame it on the moonlight, blame it on the kids.

 

It's quite hard to describe it, dear reader.

Some things are just impossible to translate into words.

 

It all seemed like a nightmare you know you can escape from by just closing your eyes – this one, however, was real and impossible to run away.

My natural defence was to behave like on an actual nightmare, sneaking the most comfortable micro-area, blocking my vision and hoping to wake up on my bed.

It didn't work.

 

Forgiveness was all I received and, despite it all, quite a good night.

 

A little real grooving, a little socialization. I was feeling beautiful after all and the night was taken aback quite smoothly.

 

After that, I've been thinking.

Have spent my life wondering about these matters, thinking how it would feel being on that moment – how the skies would fade to black and how the feeling of sinking or soaring would be.

 

All poetry. All theory. And it may never materialise.

 

Maybe I'm disabled. A negative, in a very Café Flesh way.

Maybe I'll never get to fly.

 

So I decided to retire a little.

Focus on real important matters and wait the healing power of time.

 

I know I'll eventually find my place.

 

The dog's back home. Harmless, kind and docile.

 

And that's just one of the aspects that have been running through my head lately.

Hope I find myself willing to take some time and write it down.

 

Cheers.

x

Beware of the dog

On a past culture, I’d only be an adult by now.

It’s a past legal system, what, however, absolutely doesn’t mean it no longer has spiritual vality.

21 does feel like quite a milestone.

Then I woke up bigger. Dear, I’m getting older.

Maybe the alleged maturity casts some kind of invisible light. You can’t see it, but you might be able to feel it.

I don’t know.

All I can say is that some credibility was possibly seen in me.

Maybe I was expecting, maybe I’ve been unsconsciouly building it.

What is for sure is that they laid their eyes on me and got me chosen. Got me in charge.

Am I ready? Will I make justice?

My fears, as always, had to be put aside. In the end, that’s what I’m here for.

I’m eagering to bear all the responsabilities.

I’m eagering to feel the sweet taste of it.

 

And brick by brick, I’m making my way.

 

On deeper grounds, quite a few debuts.

 

Breaking rules – Me been a bad boy, me deserve a lesson.

 

And what a lesson was learnt.

 

Foreigner says hello, let the show begin, let the fire guide you – no fear of trying.

Travelling through the darkest streets.

The subject is over. I don’t want to know, I don’t want to listen any longer.

 

...

 

The début of the immaculate backseat just come to prove: if you respect every rule, you’ll miss all the fun.

 

Now, like a dog who’s had its first taste of flesh, I’m starving for blood.

 

Devouring every opportunity.

Giving my blood to get where I feel like going.

 

Obviously, I still have my integrity and my dignity intact.

 

But, still, beware of the dog.

2.1 + a week, this is it

So well, here we are, in the middle of another year.

Winter has come and, with it, the crab paved its way in, not taking long before adding +1 to my age.

Now I'm a happy 21 years old citizen, waving goodbye to the teenage years and moving forward onto this third decade of my life (which now I believe that has just started - it's initial point is by 20 or 21??).

Nothing. Absolutely nothing to complain about the last decade, especially the last year.

20^th was intense.
Every single dream, as impossible as it could get, shining viable, shining possible, coming true.
Several accomplishments, sequential bright moments, celebrations and... well, happiness.

The biggest moments are all narrated and referred all over this very blog.

So now I'm moving a step forward.

Well, not that turning 21 will change my life completely. It's just all the symbolic meaning a birthday has.

Birthday also has a strong attachment with party, right? For the second year, multiple celebrations all dedicated to myself (haha).

Cordiality.
Then, family. Time to be back to childhood and simply watch a miracle come true on your very home.
Finally, night out.

For the second year, I'm feeling like actually being someone. Like actually being important, having my place in this world.

Smiles and laughter for free. My soul finds a relaxing oasis on the arms of my dearest friends - guys, I truly love you all.

Then I close my eyes and let it be. Let the music, the lights, the atmosphere and the alcohol make all the trick.

This is the feeling I want for always.

July the third ended up smoothly amazing.

And I was one year older.

I believe 21 is quite a milestone.
Actually, I've been told it's the best age.
Well, I can't tell. Got to live it first, I believe.

Right now, it's all about expecting what the 21^st might bring.

For now, let's enjoy our youth, for it's limited!

one, two, three

Here we are again.

The last few weeks were pretty much intense in almost every meaning, but nothing overcomes heart subjects.

I started off this year almost as cold as I've never been, trying to focus only on those fields i normally give more attention to.

Time flies away with the wind, my friend, and the same wind brings you a lot of sincerely unexpected gifts – some not really 'great'.

And there was me and my personal Barbie. Yes, you might take it as a doll if it sounds comfortably funnier to you.

Exchanging looks, smiles and mutual utter admiration. Nonstop fun. Living was smooth and fine, so much I wouldn't bother going into my routine everyday, forever. It would definitely surpass all my usual stagnation aversion. It was worth it.

My little personal Barbie, however, is cursed – that's the only explanation I can honestly think of.

What do you do when you are standing in the middle of the arena where everything you love and treasure is fighting to death?

What do you do when the gods send you graces just for the horrifying pleasure to increase your pain and torture?

Yes, I can totally understand it's being painful.

Tickets were bought, travelling is not far ahead.

Why? That's what I started to question myself. The union was broken. My personal vows of eternal fidelity met an invincible obstacle.

And the blue sky suddenly turned grey, the happy tune became an orchestra tragedy. And, deep in my heart, a whole mess emerged.

As I said to a friend one of these days, I'm pretty much a Neanderthal when it comes to understanding my feelings. When it's slightly more intense, all becomes a sexual infatuation and the tragedy is started. Sleepless nights apply.

Now the day is coming and I can't forgive, I can't be myself anymore.

Crazy mess inside of me. And it's bringing out the worst of me.

Meanwhile,

A mutual cordial request, and a sudden friendship was forced into me.

Now I ask, why?

Complain about your business, complain about your personal issues. Do it. I take it as an invitation to come in.

Slow observation what's featured on that playground... Me being a bad kid who wants x-ray glasses.

And then,

Little piece of heaven, angel face.

Forcing myself not to become a stalker again.

Have you counted?

So, this sums up everything on rather an incomplete way.

Hopefully, it gets you, dear reader, to imagine how messy these last few weeks have been to my, er, undergrounds. Yes, I've found myself walking around them lately.

And to those who are leaving, goodbye.

You'll be breaking my heart.

But won't be taking any of me

And that's what we've got for today, just for today.

Best wishes!

Easter Rabbit, what’cha got for me?

On Thursday-like Tuesday, here we are, making a few considerations about life.

On a breeze, my life is going. Softly, mildly, much like Goldfrapp's Road to Somewhere – which i happen to be listening to on this very moment.

It's a bit funny, graceful yet a bit of painful that all those frenzy pumpin' non-stopping emotion moments are on the last year.
Well, they ain't, actually. 2008 The Greatest So Far may have been gone, but 2009 is being a lot above kind.

:)

I've been reflecting how loveless this year has been.
No, I'm not talking about love on a wide approach, but just on the sense that first comes to our mind when we think about it: the erotic kind of love.
Apparently, no solid thought about it has passed through my mind lately... it feels like, I don't know... I'm not that into it anymore (or for now).
Obviously, it's not that I haven't noticed or had some interest upon anyone; it's apparently lacking only that specific person to fancy, to think about before I fall asleep.

I definitely don't miss it: the least it can cause is a heartbreak.
However, I can't help but admitting it's all part of growing up, so... it's lacking on me, I feel.

What will the future be?

Easter's coming now with nothing for me but a few extra pounds, I guess. No, there's absolutely no ridiculous "love waiting" for Easter, lol, the Easter subject is totally unrelated.
I'm actually waiting for no bigger new or surprise this Easter. What I'm really hoping for is peace, a bit more of peace – my life's pretty much peaceful now, as I said above.

That's why, maybe, I ain't craving for love now. I don't want to catch myself running wildly on my deepest undergrounds; that's definitely terrible... If you search back on this very blog, you might discover what I'm talking about...

So, peace, that's it.
It's all about going for my aims now. And life lightly, still with a bit more depth and intensity.

I mean, why must it be wrong to be like the others?
Didn't I hate those people by pure envy?

Yes, that intrigues me. Maybe I shouldn't mind so much about it all and just live my moment... Or hide myself away and get a bit more ready.

I still don't feel proper.

How bad.

 

Well, a lot of twisted thoughts all thrown and mixed together.
Guess this post is done.

 

xoxo, happy easter.

The power of inability

And then you have all (the rest of the) day off, so you can put on practice all of your wishes and new-year resolutions. You can work on changing the world, your world. You can... make it all happen.

But you are just sitting. And you don't go any further.

It's all misplaced, it's all against you. The strength given is not actually enough, and you feel it really hard to concentrate.

The world turns outside of your prison, things are simply happening there, all over.

Occasional glimpses to blurred figures on a window, that's all you get from the reality.

You think of your faults, and blame them all to you and only you. No, you blame it on everyone, knowing not so deep inside that you are the only one to blame.

You feel hatred. You feel furiousness. You feel it all hurting the very heart of yourself.

You feel the world spinning, the sun running across the ceiling, the day coming to an end... All without you, all against you.

That's when you feel unable, useless, giving up all of your achievements and possibilities by pure and unstoppable negligence. Just like water slipping through your fingers, falling on the floor, penetrating the Earth. Impossible to get it back.

Time flies, and you have a reputation to keep. Not so much to stand up to the others, but pretty much to yourself. Should you learn, my dear, that mirrors can be all gentle and flattering, but when they decide to be cruel, they can cut you to the bones, they can make you bleed inside. And how can you handle a situation where it's you sabotaging yourself?

You don't think you can rescue yourself, you only wish you could.

Bad feelings, bad thoughts... And more bad feelings attracted by your bad thoughts, coming hand-in-hand with unpleasant events.

 

That's basically what I'm into now.

Twisted emotions, twisted moments. It's all spinning inside, preventing me to recover the orgasmic feeling of plenitude.

 

I do feel blessed and thankful for everything that's in my hands now, I suppose I should be here just thanking for every single blessing...

The inability to reach satisfaction, however, is part of the human nature, isn't it?

 

I'm not good at not getting what I want. And I'm not afraid to sound spoiled.

It's my nature.

Meanwhile, I just don't feel able to stop my feeling of inability.

What do I do?

How can I fight it?

... 
 

Have a nice weekend, my dear

xoxo

It might seem

...It might seem to you I have finally abandoned the whole Dark Pills project.

No wonder why you're thinking that... The same thought comes to my mind now and then.

However, to prove you that all these rumours are just... malicious talking my opposition has started off (LMAO), let me write about these last days' biggest happenings:

...

...

...

Er...

Come on.

It's summer vacations.

No driving on the wonderwall, no diving on deep and dark seas. It's all time to enjoy some rest and work on the future.

Yup, that's all: thinking about my future.

The rest... is rest and, moreover, pretty much irrelevant to post down here.

Life's going its very own way, peacefully.

Sorry for this not very informative post. Hopefully, soon there will be things to write about here.

No, I ain't waiting for anything in particular, but these things, ah these things, they just come.

;)

Cheers!

ourselves, v. 200.9

Curitiba, 1st. January, 2009.

A new year has begun.

2008 is gone now, but will always remain as a utterly sweet memory.

I have already made my new-year post, so this is just a renovation of all the vows I gave yesterday (and the year before, as well): should 2009 bring you life, making you live instead of just existing.

Plans for this just-born year? Keep on, and always try to improve.

Professional fields urge more attention, and that's what I'm starving to give, just as in the very personal side, where there's still a lot to do.

Undergrounds are quite nice - calm and pretty colourful - today, but I don't really plan locking up myself there again.

Yeah, I have a dream.

2009 is a whole world still to explore.

Let the emotions of this brand new year begin!

Amazing 2009, dear reader.