Impossible friends

And my life keeps going on great craziness.

My last weeks have been the very same blend of responsibility, accumulated obligations, burning stress and a recurrent aching to run away from everything. Absolutely normal.

And accompanying it all, comes the face of the former ray of light – now much more of a boring shadow – insisting to make its way to very bottom of my heart.
This time, a trial, just a trial – an amazing opportunity to finally see from the defence side of the story. Although I'd prefer to be impartial, I confess that I've always considered the prosecution side much more interesting and comfortable at all. I always tend towards the accusation. Now, this could be my opportunity to actually feel the opposing side, and genuinely want it to win.

Not everything, however, is that simple. If I go, I shall have to face every single danger and emergency state I've feared and repelled for quite a considerable time.
I'm afraid to say that I'm in transition, in the middle of two distinct and opposing phases of one's life. This is rather weird to be happening in this portion of the year, when the world is spinning faster and working massively. I've always planned such things to happen on the slowed down and chilled out summer. But good things just come; they don't warn, they don't choose when, they just come.
And since I'm living quite a good transition time, I don't actually want to be seen until I feel ready, until I feel proper.
I've planned a shock, I've planned a despising smile, I've planned my opportunity to overturn the table.
If I come to undesired eyes, it'd be just like giving the whole game away. No, that's not desirable.

So, looking forward advices to come from a good friend.

Good friends, bad friends. Poor friends, bourgeois friends. Possible friends, impossible friends.

I've been living quite good moments with people I'd normally consider impossible to have any further contact with. Basically, time and situations tend to bring similar people together.
Not that we're alike... We're actually incredibly different. But we have ideas, we have plans and we have one another's enthusiasm and, I'd say, unquestionable loyalty.
Then, an older friend. "Have you seen what your bourgeois friend did to me?" "So you're neutral? You play in her side? Let it be! Wait till she makes a play on you!"

My pride claims it's jealously; me and this old friend are quite much like brothers from different families. If only he knew how much I love our brotherhood and how much I respect him... But I can't help but wonder "what if he's right?"

Something pretty much like that happened few years ago. Fucking déjà-vu.

Impossibility, impossibility...

Much more interesting, however, the words thrown at me this afternoon.

Less than a couple of months ago, we were just two persons in two distinct – very distinct – positions.
I owed respect. I was owed instruction.
A cold relationship and a warm heart finding a petrified mate. Positions changed.

Drawing an acquaintance during a silly practice on the day of Saturno.

Confessions of close friends on the day of the Moon.
Moon. My astral sign.

Oh, dear, how I wish you knew...
Life's worth none of your tears.
Life's worth none of your worries.
Life's worth none of your despair moments.

Life's worth your happiness, that's a greatest truth.

Just let your heart speak.
Just let the sun walk in.
Just let the foreigner air soar into you.
Just let your inner light shine through every pour of your young skin.

Youth. Shall it never come again.

I’ve been to the city

Future chaser, ain't I? So I had to go there.

Not that I was ready enough, nor wanting it. I just had to go so I wouldn't have thrown more money into nothing.

The trip was weirdly smooth and quick. I confess I'd be waiting for dizzying aches and hours looking at the pale ceiling. Nothing of that happened. Great.

Then it appeared.

I hate that city, I really do.
But nothing (I mean, nothing) could ever compare to the feeling of approaching and entering it at high speed.
It all starts with billions of stars floating in the sky. But then, the stars seem to come from the horizon.
You start seeing stars on the ground far, really far ahead.
The beginning is slow, shy, discreet. Don't you be fooled – these are only the earliest moves of a monster's fatal attack.
It quickly turns into lights flashing and multiplying everywhere.
Before you can notice, there are lights beside you, there are lights behind you, there are lights in front of you.
They are more and more, so much you can't say what is city light and what is cosmic star.
That's when the city's swallowed you.
Welcome to POA.

Half past 4 a.m.
We had to have our breakfast.
Walking there is definitely not nice. Do you know what is like feeling completely in danger?
The nice thing was seeing an old friend. He didn't walk the same 'right and honoured' way I did, but now he's in a greater position than mine.
No, I'm not jealous, I'm actually happy to see he's found his way and is doing is greatly. And I'm equally amazed to discover that the most told story is that I had left the city since a number of years ago. LOL

Some time later, in front of the parliament house, a van would take us to our destinations.
That girl can rock. She's hungry for speed.
POA is nothing but a huge confusion that I clearly don't understand (nor want to), and she was not afraid to leave us upside down by exploring every corner of the city at nearly 80 Km/H (believe me, that's really fast).

Eventually on the right place, got to meet some new friends (one new friend, actually). Great to find several things in common!
And on the right room, just a nice girl I wish I'd gotten to know a bit better. I really really liked her.

When FINALLY doing my dirty work, nothing special came. Everything was so expected.
I wasn't prepared, what else would I expect? LOL

After that, rain, waiting and chatting. And a new van trip, accompanied with loads of uncertainty.
This one, I swear, would have killed me with only more 5 minutes.

I took my bus and went to the tourism part of the trip – the one I enjoyed the most, obviously.

A family gathering and I, alone, lost on that small universe.

Again, the brightest part of being where you're not known and will not ever be – you can be whatever you want.
It was great being able to look at where I wanted, to look like what I wanted and to look forward what I wanted.

Bigger cities do have their advantages.
Where else would I find such faces?
Sadly, everything was left on the might-have-been stage.

Meeting friends once again and having my nerd time.

Freedom time, consumer time, posh time, nerd time.
So much that it was time to go back home.
Goodbye big city. I still dislike you a lot.

Balance sheet? No hopes, and friends, really great friends, left behind.
Miss you, guys. You've made my Sunday great.

;]

A storm, just a storm

A few time since I last posted something substantial here.

Well, some weekends ago more tons of suburban glittery glam was thrown to the air. Till the dawn.
Meanwhile, I was sleeping safely on my very bed.

Unasked stories have been told. Not that I don't want to hear; I'm always afraid of what's to come, and this time nothing was not different.

They had agreed to make it any of these days... Glitter sets the mood for everything. It was done.
Hope it's been delicious. No sugar felt over here.

And then the suicidal thief. Please, try not to enter that area – it belongs to no one but me.
I am the one to beg and show complexity.
I am the one to crawl in every shadow of a has-been.
I am the one to listen, to advice – to be the completely in love supportive friend.
I am the one to do this dirty work.

And when seeing every single detail being unashamedly stripped in front of my very eyes, I realized that my healing was not actually complete.

I still feel completely underappreciated, not to say everything else.

Maybe I shouldn't have come back. Maybe I shouldn't have accepted it back.

There would be a bit more of magic if any accidental meeting happened.
"How you've been?" "In a hurry, as always... Bye bye!" – such a dreamt conversation.

Anyway... It's been quite some time ago. I'm over it now.

Now, this week was pretty intense.
I feel every single one of my obligations coming all together in something that soon will become an overwhelming mountain.
And since I still can't see it, it's just a felt mountain – and for the first time ever, Goldfrapp's first album has made some sense for me, LOL.

I've been really stressed because of it all... I don't know just how I'll manage to get everything done.
And note, I must get it all done. Or I'm just getting slightly fucked up.

Yeah, yeah... More amounts of hair being lost... Gosh.

Finally, today I've been kind of overcharged at work. And had to have some restricted fun, as always.

And then, a surprise... "So that's how you make your living, eh?"
Nice. That was one of the matters that have been kind of struggling into my mind.

And it was a storm revealed.
Got some nice amount of information by now, hehe.

And, well, storms, storms, storms.

Even a atmospheric one, with pure ice falling from the sky.

Is that usual to a warm autumn?

Anyway... I thing I've just got it all rather summed up.
It's just that ain't no patience in my mind now.

Nice weekend...

Life and its marvellous soundtrack

Taking a quick break from work, I'm writing this post just to remember myself I need to write a few things that have been walking through my mind lately.

Since my time is not that large, I've decided to simply post a lyric whose every word does make sense for me.

It's Lena Katina's "You". If you don't know Lena a bit too deep, you probably won't know this song, since it's never made it through the demo stage, lol.

Well, can't a song describe one's feelings much better than any other written words?
Focus the lyrics, just that. :)

You
By Lena Katina

Breathless, I'm shaking,
Just watching the game you play
(Play)

I'll give up forever
To be in your heart today
(Today)

Watching as everyone else
Gets a piece of you
(You)

Knowing I love you much more
Than they ever do
(Do)

I miss you
I miss you
I miss you
I miss you
(You)

--

That's me by now.
Just falling on a very well known trap.
All over again.