And then you have all (the rest of the) day off, so you can put on practice all of your wishes and new-year resolutions. You can work on changing the world, your world. You can... make it all happen.
But you are just sitting. And you don't go any further.
It's all misplaced, it's all against you. The strength given is not actually enough, and you feel it really hard to concentrate.
The world turns outside of your prison, things are simply happening there, all over.
Occasional glimpses to blurred figures on a window, that's all you get from the reality.
You think of your faults, and blame them all to you and only you. No, you blame it on everyone, knowing not so deep inside that you are the only one to blame.
You feel hatred. You feel furiousness. You feel it all hurting the very heart of yourself.
You feel the world spinning, the sun running across the ceiling, the day coming to an end... All without you, all against you.
That's when you feel unable, useless, giving up all of your achievements and possibilities by pure and unstoppable negligence. Just like water slipping through your fingers, falling on the floor, penetrating the Earth. Impossible to get it back.
Time flies, and you have a reputation to keep. Not so much to stand up to the others, but pretty much to yourself. Should you learn, my dear, that mirrors can be all gentle and flattering, but when they decide to be cruel, they can cut you to the bones, they can make you bleed inside. And how can you handle a situation where it's you sabotaging yourself?
You don't think you can rescue yourself, you only wish you could.
Bad feelings, bad thoughts... And more bad feelings attracted by your bad thoughts, coming hand-in-hand with unpleasant events.
That's basically what I'm into now.
Twisted emotions, twisted moments. It's all spinning inside, preventing me to recover the orgasmic feeling of plenitude.
I do feel blessed and thankful for everything that's in my hands now, I suppose I should be here just thanking for every single blessing...
The inability to reach satisfaction, however, is part of the human nature, isn't it?
I'm not good at not getting what I want. And I'm not afraid to sound spoiled.
It's my nature.
Meanwhile, I just don't feel able to stop my feeling of inability.
What do I do?
How can I fight it?
...
Have a nice weekend, my dear
xoxo
