Wednesday, 31 December 2008

Where have we been?

The last couple of weeks have been pretty exciting.

After having a tremendously amazing year, the last days of December were destined to a celebratory ending of these delicious last twelve months.

From the nature paradise to the very metropolitan paradise, the Holidays are being a great mix of fun, discoveries, fresh air, road and marvellous lazy moments looking at (or even floating around) the ocean or a sea of buildings.

Unlike the last time, however, I decided not to share with you my trip diaries... Actually, I'm not even writing one.

Guess that's because all I want to is enjoy fully and personally (in the sense of intimately) every moment, and also, well, because there's no much to be said - or no much I succeeded in translating into words.

No, the undergrounds have not been closed - this obviously will only happen when I die.

The fact is that the undergrounds are clear, a little more colourful and probably way less scary and dreadful than they were few months ago (12?), although there has also been some hot commotion deep in those areas, things hopefully to be shared some of these days.

Well, this is my last post of 2008, I guess, so I wanna wish you, dear reader, all the best, and, above everything, life in the incumbent 2009.

I could also be reflecting about 2008, but, just as happened last year, laziness won't let me write all the things my mind now desperately tries to get straight, LOL.

There's so, but so much to be said, so much to be thanked...

Well, thankfulness.

Yes, this is it!

I can sum it all up with one single word: Thankful. I am deeply thankful for everything I have been through and all the graces I have been given all over these last months.

2008, the most amazing year of my life so far is ending, leaving me a bit heartbroken, since it's a bit difficult to accept something you loved so deeply is taking its last breaths.

What awaits us after the midnight?

Shall we wait and... enjoy the worldwide celebration!

A kiss/hug on your very soul.

Happy 2009.

Sunday, 14 December 2008

Live, not simpy exist



After the most exciting year of my life so far, I deserved some time to simply lie down and relax a little.
Work keeps on pumpin' marvellously, ok, but that's just how I like it.

Academic year, full of extreme experiences and personal battles, is officially over now.
Triumphant; that's how I feel when I look back to all I've been through.

The last weeks have been pretty intense, in much of a great way, though.
Despair, anticipation, slow-passing time.

In the end, answers were given, and I've eventually got what I've given.
It's really, really comforting.

The next few days could be feeling amazing for me, if it wasn't for... bad news.
Yeah... December, the very end of the year.
Isn't there any legend about bad spirits coming to Earth by this month? Yes, I do believe in that.

When everything on immediate future seemed to be a beautiful portrait drawn with a varied collection of colour pencils, an intriguing note was spotted.
A detail, just a detail. A recent order, completely partial, incomplete, unfair.
While I'm still a law passionate who believes in Justice, I'm not certain if we can take one more mishap like this.

There's probably few things worse than being absolutely unaware of how strong those you love are.


Keep pushing, dear. Everything is going to be alright.

We can make it through.

Summer breeze has come, blowing fresh air into our routines.
Adventure, uncertainty...
As long as I have something to cling to, I'm passionate about that.

This is living, not simply existing.


Let the summer emotions begin!

Tuesday, 4 November 2008

A new dawn

More than a month of absence…

This time – as always –, I promise I have an excuse. =)


Since September, my life has been an amazing pandemonium.

Expectations, news, discoveries, obligations and books, all consuming all of my energies and my creativity, making me feel unable to write down some memories on this very place, for feeling both exhausted and mentally poor.

No, these days hadn't passed, not just yet.

But the gentle storm is apparently leaving, and a new day is graciously dawning.

Speaking this way might make you believe it's a rather unkind period I've been through, mightn't it?

I'm really sorry for that, dear reader, but this very expected and acceptable impression couldn't be more wrong.

Well, having this said just to adjust your focus, let us continue...

Few weeks ago, heaven sent the ultimate evidence of how unique the year of 2008 was born to be for me.

Through the raging – and always predicting – storm of anxiety, fear and compensating pain, the words of an unknown figure, initially blamed and ridiculed, re-opened the book of sweetly delicious possibilities.


Just-met childhood friends gathered together. The longest of the weekends... followed by the sweetest of the Mondays and the confirmation of a repeated prevision of mine.

That makes me ask myself... What kind of freaky power have I been given this time??

Mess days, part 2, not as bad, just as terri(fic)ble as I would always dream of – can't say how much I love being on total pandemonium...


A rather nice trip, quite crazy (hi)stories... And there was I, facing the big city once again.

Everything went much better than planned, and even better than hoped.

Hopefully, I shall write more deeply about the trip on a forthcoming post...

Well, I'm back at home.

My heart smiles while my rational mind hasn't even fully realised the wideness of what has just become real.


Some things are definitely over for me.

It's a whole new day, a brand new dawn.

A [big] step forward onto my felt and desired destiny.


I call it growth. I call it improvement. I might call it even self love.


The storm is pretty much on full, but it's leaving, I can feel.


Sweetest days like these, however, won't be repeated as often as dreamed – but just as often as the necessary for them to be unique, precious and enjoyed to their full depth every time they happen to come.

Sunday, 21 September 2008

Welcome home, child of snow!

On this messy days, news are more than just welcome.


A friend, a companion, an workout buddy… Today, my family has been graced by the arrival of a brand new member.


It’s the son of the snow, looking like an walking teddy bear, feeling fresh and incredibly friendly.


Mere hour later, I was out and about with my brand new buddy. Just like some time ago, but ever, ever better.


In the end, it’s just one more point connected to my dreams coming true.




Thursday, 18 September 2008

Messy still wonderful

No, it's no proper post.

Dark Pills is officially going through 'maintenance', LOL, just kidding.. The fact is: no time, no inspiration, just that.

These have been quite crazy days for me, something I deeply love, and no brighter sparkle has burnt inside my mind to get me writing here.

No, it's not that I don't have what to write... I could actually write millions of lines about the latest amazing events.

It's a very important period of my life I'm going through now, perhaps the most important so far. It's all smelling fresh, it's all been exciting and I'm doing by best to live every second up.

There is, indeed, loads to write, but I ain't quite in the mood.

Every fun will be punished, yup, factually accurate.

Let me just get a bit more loose of my tasks...

Sorry to leave you for so long..

I'm still here. Happier than ever, and posting every now and then.


Thursday, 21 August 2008

A bit of headache (excuses)

Just an excuse for my absence of posts: It's been totally madness on my life these last days.

Ok, everything apparently under control, but that's how I want to define what I've been living.

No, nothing special at all… Just everything I'd already planned and had as absolutely granted for quite some long.

Everything as expected, fortunately.

My concentration is now all directed to these professional concerns, so that I've not been inspired enough to post something decent, nor to fix and adjust the blog layout my way.

By the way, hope you have liked the current look (which is absolutely not new, but it's the first time I come to talk about that) and hope you will keep checking back for further updates.

My love and care.



Monday, 4 August 2008

To be back to the runnin’!, youmakemesick and moving on =)

Not that this has changed to a looser situation lately, but tomorrow my time is once again going to be really, really scarce.

Despite it feels as if I've just finished a semester of University, tomorrow my almost unnoticed vacations will be coming to an end, and a brand new full over-four-months period of intense academic activity will start, to my purest pleasure and intense despair.

"Pleasure?!" you might ask. "Yes, absolutely" I'd promptly answer.

Coming from my dearest sister-aunt Rose, this very particular characteristic of mine of always trying hard to fulfil my free time with everything I can is something I'm actually proud of having.

It's been like that since I got used to do something beyond school – once I noticed I had some free time, I would try my best to fill it with some (un)productive activity, so that I can feel absolutely proper to let out my very own motto: "I don't have any time now".

My dearest feeling is, indeed, the feeling of being too busy for anything.

I feel useful, I feel important, I feel able to turn away from anything I may find inferior. Me and my egocentrism.

Hopefully I will take this analysis to a deeper level one day, here on darkpills.

Well, moving away to more hidden sectors of my life, the gap since last post has been the place of quite a great move-on on my personal fields.

Not entering in details, the démodé and inefficient lamp that had been consuming too much energy from me was finally discarded – I guess.

Kinky moves were made, sounding extremely sickening for me. That was the last drop.
In the moment of a blink of an eye, I simply couldn't stand looking at those dirty eyes again.
That was too much for me.
Keeping that conversation would feel like taking myself to the lowest stage of dignity and self-love.

Sorry babe, you don't deserve having me hearing your bullshit anymore. You make me sick.

Block paid with full deletion.
It's a goodbye I don't feel like changing.

Sometimes, I guess, you just have to move on.

I've tried once, indeed.
This time, however, not a sweet word of mine was given.


Brand new week starting, and things, well, smell just fine.

I'm happy, should I add. J
Ready to start the second half of this amazing-looking year.



Monday, 21 July 2008

I’ve had a little bit too much

Firstly, I've had a little bit too much time away from Dark Pills, LOL.

Well, I'm on academic vacations now, just working and doing my personal stuff. In thesis, no studies.

Things have been taken a bit more loosely and yet way more serious. Bad weather on my mood, especially – and I don't get why – with mommy. Happens, just happens.

My body is hurting a bit, but it's a good cause. My heart, however, insists on its pointless game.

Yesterday was friend's day. The wind blows to an uncertain direction.
Can't see anyone's point, anyone's intention.

When I, foolishly, believe to be getting into a fair deal, my bad luck proves me graciously wrong.

And, still, I just keep on digging, keep on playing fool, playing dead...

My once ray-of-light (something I laugh of having called that dumbass back in those days, LOL) is now an insignificant amount of useless material I like stepping on just for fun and to feel some dirt on my feet.

Yet, I don't seem to be through it all. I still feel the despair, I still look around the world, I still randomly act like a bloody stalker. That makes me scared of myself, and really, really disappointed.
So much I won't lose my time writing about these delete-worthy memories ;)

On the other side of the river, the unbearable cleverness, the distant dreamer, the poignant creator, the darkest pill any doctor is still to prescribe me.

Weird enough, the disgust I had towards that walking interrogation mark – best definition I could find at 1 a.m. of a Monday – is slowly becoming a striking fixation, and, I fear, an intense sexual desire.

Mercy on me!

Meanwhile, memories of a feverish Saturday night keep coming up, eating me inside. And I just dance. /gaga

To relax, however, is always nice to have my few closest friends. Entertainment, happiness, vain words thrown to a candy sky. Few moments only, but life can't be all bitter at all, can it?

Well, a new week has just started, and I can't spend more time writing here, or I won't have any sleep today :P

Nice week, reader!

Nice friend's day, my beloved ones. /bruh, naty and so on.

Monday, 7 July 2008

Third decade, here we are!

Ok, I'm officially 20 years old now.

A brand new decade has started in my life, and putting aside all the possible meaning it can have, I'm pretty happy.

My birthday couldn't have been more wonderful.

Multiple parties, something smelling funny in the air.
Smelling, just smelling, so that I went to face the unknown, apparently broken-hearted.

Good news, good talking, few hugs and a call.


A bit of random messing around, and another call.
I took a deep breath and started getting ready.

Weirdly enough, I was really, really nervous.
How would my day end? How good would that be?
Answers didn't take that long to come.

A friend request, a chic hotel, a fancy restaurant and dearest friends on a table... wait! O__o


And there was I, dancing completely lost to that unison happy birthday tune, dedicated to me, just me.

Happy smiles, comforting spirits.
True angels bringing me to heaven by the most delicious deviltry.

Points connected; truth revealed, nude and crude, to my purest amusement.
From bosses to mama, from professors to friends, all aware of that extensively-planned one single night, that will surely remain on the happiest corners of my mind until it finds the end its life.

And thus, surrounded by truly loved friends, I saw myself stepping into the 20's on biggest and most amazing style.

Though I was told that it was the expected effect, I don't really think that any of them will ever imagine everything that the entire episode meant to me.
I close my eyes and still can feel it all. Unexplainable.

I'm truly thankful, truly ashamed that I may never compensate and truly trying hard to tell myself that I may have had deserved such an overwhelming display of affection.


Well, the third decade of my life has officially started, and I'm willing to live and enjoy it the best I can.

It's time to live! =D

Thank you all, my dearest friends.
My long-lasting love to every single one of you.

Wednesday, 2 July 2008

Goodbye, sweet teens years!

Ok, when the night falls upon the July 2nd, a sentence is given: I'm officially older.

One more year passed me by so fast, yet so intensely. So smooth, yet so heartbreaking. So light-pulsing, yet so wonderfully marvellous.

I'm waving goodbye my 'teen years-old now. It's 20. Twenty, 2-0, 2.0.

By now, should I say, it doesn't actually mean anything. Just as Kylie said recently (though she was talking about the 40's), when I'm finally 20 I'll be doing exactly the same I'm doing now I'm still 19.
It's just one more day, a dawn like all the other 365 of this year... Isn't it?

Well, not that hard... It's nice having a day to call special, don't you think?

There actually is a bit of excitement and anticipation inside me now.
And loads, loads of worries.
I've spent the last few weeks expecting hard for something I've been told that would come. Things, however, just don't seem to be stepping towards my expectations.

It's much of an old dream, something I guess most people have, and there has finally been a distant, yet genuine sight of it eventually coming true, but today it all seemed to be farther and farther. God!

Hope, then, that whatever comes to me tomorrow, it's all nice and good-feelin'. Yep, should I add, I've actually come to the conclusion that your birthday doesn't necessarily mean your lucky day.
Colourful expectations is all there is, what is sweet enough, I'd say!

Ok, this are my much-in-a-hurry last words while being a teen – PQP!
Tomorrow I'll be over these 1-dot-something years, and ready to make a brilliant way through my own 2.0 brand new phase :)

- LOL! Let me have my fantasies, my special day ;D

Cheers, dearest reader!

Thursday, 26 June 2008

Excuses pt 2


haven't got the time

haven't got the guts

to come and write something here

Been in a huge hurry these days, and, well, nothing really interesting has happened on the undergrounds of this life of mine.

Nothing special on this update.

I'll do possible to check back here before I step on my third decade of life.. o___o

yes, i'm near of it.


Saturday, 14 June 2008

Been busy

Typical post to tell the walls I haven't been posting due to a very busy period of the semester.

Sorry ;X

Thursday, 22 May 2008

Keep believin’

When Ms. Minogue advised us to keep believing in our dreams, no lie was being said.

During these long days of my absence around this neighbourhood, some of my oldest wished were seen coming true.
Nothing for a lifetime. No big deal, I'd say.
But finally the time and the whole situation were just right, and I've seen myself able to take some steps forward.

Many nice things have been happening as well. But most of them are just rather blurred shapes, and my only task is to keep waiting, doing my thing.

But what if the most important help is refusing to give it in?
That's such a pesky problem I'm gonna have to work out a.s.a.p.

Professionally, I'm both great and hopeless.
It's nice when you receive some recognition for your progressive improvement, but an overload may come as a natural consequence, and this is something you absolutely can't fight without giving everything up – the bad things and the good things as well.
It's also great when you're demanded to write small essays about things you're pretty sure you know everything about... and then you eventually find out that one certain word you've missed, ignored, not read at all, turned the whole matter upside down, giving you pretty much of a lost chance to exercise your patience.


As sad as eventually discovering what's your role on someone's life.
A friend? A shelter? A shoulder?
Guess I'm bound to be the quick and disposable 5-minutes helper everybody needs.
Will I really mean something to someone one day?




And glad to be writing here once again.
It's so pressure-releasing... Not ignoring the fact I've been demanded to show up again.
That, should I add, was anything but "nice".
Even though it's a public blog, I normally write things addressing to myself.
Having all this read by other persons is just... weird, I'd say.

Anyway, things are pretty much faster and more portable for me now.
Maybe I could appear around more often, couldn't I?


Friday, 9 May 2008

Don’t play those silly games

That's a song title I've come up with quite some years ago.
It's fun, I think. I'm really good at writing huge song titles lists. Just the title and a fuzzy idea of what it could be about. No lyrics at all.

The funniest, however, is when you face a situation where the song you've thought of fits in such a perfect way that some brilliant verses are spontaneously unveiled in your mind.
I'd call this creative process. Something I love doing when breathlessly walking through the city, getting me locked into the deepest corners of my mind, what is reflected on an involuntary serious and dark-moodish facial expression, what, finally, makes people normally see me as someone deeply compromised with arrogance and snobbery. Not the point, however.

Since last year I've been watching a dark cloud discreetly taking shape far in the horizon. Lost on my normal concerns and responsibilities, I've been amazed by the view of a huge storm falling down all around me.

If I had been feeling safe, this time no safety zone was granted to me.
I'd have to make a choice.
I'd have to turn my back either to the safety or to my principles.

Sorry, dear.
But this boy can't stand watching this unfair play.
I can't stand having the innocence evolved on these dark matters.
It's all in your mind.

"Have you seen what you've caused?"

Her accounts were not accurate. Her sight was not wide enough.
Arthemis will touch her sword in all those you could wish.
But she has got more arms and swords than she was able to see.
Not enough, however, to where she's willing to go

Don't blame the ones surrounding you
In every job they're inclined to make
Don't speak out screaming lie as truth
Don't cry stones
Don't break bones
My reality is a gem
Don't you ever try to fake
It's fancy-free
It's matter of dignity
Don't lose maturity
It's a crying shame
You scream, you hate, you blame
Shouldn't you shout bitter sweetness
Don't play those silly games
They don't show the adult you are
They won't bring us any grace
They cause a bruise in every heart
They turn to ice a mother's embrace
So don't you stand that image for fame
When you like being a silly child
When your armour is your pride
When you play those silly games

No, it's not brilliant, but it's fitting and sincere.

And having this screaming into my mind in such an important day...

That's when your real friends let their faces show.
And you finally get a shoulder you can cry on.

A cigarette, a sincere laugh, a sincere story, a sincere love for every face around me then.

The day ended gracefully, like a falling feather laying down silently in a calmness lake.

My heart is erupting.

Tuesday, 29 April 2008

Impossible friends

And my life keeps going on great craziness.

My last weeks have been the very same blend of responsibility, accumulated obligations, burning stress and a recurrent aching to run away from everything. Absolutely normal.

And accompanying it all, comes the face of the former ray of light – now much more of a boring shadow – insisting to make its way to very bottom of my heart.
This time, a trial, just a trial – an amazing opportunity to finally see from the defence side of the story. Although I'd prefer to be impartial, I confess that I've always considered the prosecution side much more interesting and comfortable at all. I always tend towards the accusation. Now, this could be my opportunity to actually feel the opposing side, and genuinely want it to win.

Not everything, however, is that simple. If I go, I shall have to face every single danger and emergency state I've feared and repelled for quite a considerable time.
I'm afraid to say that I'm in transition, in the middle of two distinct and opposing phases of one's life. This is rather weird to be happening in this portion of the year, when the world is spinning faster and working massively. I've always planned such things to happen on the slowed down and chilled out summer. But good things just come; they don't warn, they don't choose when, they just come.
And since I'm living quite a good transition time, I don't actually want to be seen until I feel ready, until I feel proper.
I've planned a shock, I've planned a despising smile, I've planned my opportunity to overturn the table.
If I come to undesired eyes, it'd be just like giving the whole game away. No, that's not desirable.

So, looking forward advices to come from a good friend.

Good friends, bad friends. Poor friends, bourgeois friends. Possible friends, impossible friends.

I've been living quite good moments with people I'd normally consider impossible to have any further contact with. Basically, time and situations tend to bring similar people together.
Not that we're alike... We're actually incredibly different. But we have ideas, we have plans and we have one another's enthusiasm and, I'd say, unquestionable loyalty.
Then, an older friend. "Have you seen what your bourgeois friend did to me?" "So you're neutral? You play in her side? Let it be! Wait till she makes a play on you!"

My pride claims it's jealously; me and this old friend are quite much like brothers from different families. If only he knew how much I love our brotherhood and how much I respect him... But I can't help but wonder "what if he's right?"

Something pretty much like that happened few years ago. Fucking déjà-vu.

Impossibility, impossibility...

Much more interesting, however, the words thrown at me this afternoon.

Less than a couple of months ago, we were just two persons in two distinct – very distinct – positions.
I owed respect. I was owed instruction.
A cold relationship and a warm heart finding a petrified mate. Positions changed.

Drawing an acquaintance during a silly practice on the day of Saturno.

Confessions of close friends on the day of the Moon.
Moon. My astral sign.

Oh, dear, how I wish you knew...
Life's worth none of your tears.
Life's worth none of your worries.
Life's worth none of your despair moments.

Life's worth your happiness, that's a greatest truth.

Just let your heart speak.
Just let the sun walk in.
Just let the foreigner air soar into you.
Just let your inner light shine through every pour of your young skin.

Youth. Shall it never come again.

Sunday, 20 April 2008

I’ve been to the city

Future chaser, ain't I? So I had to go there.

Not that I was ready enough, nor wanting it. I just had to go so I wouldn't have thrown more money into nothing.

The trip was weirdly smooth and quick. I confess I'd be waiting for dizzying aches and hours looking at the pale ceiling. Nothing of that happened. Great.

Then it appeared.

I hate that city, I really do.
But nothing (I mean, nothing) could ever compare to the feeling of approaching and entering it at high speed.
It all starts with billions of stars floating in the sky. But then, the stars seem to come from the horizon.
You start seeing stars on the ground far, really far ahead.
The beginning is slow, shy, discreet. Don't you be fooled – these are only the earliest moves of a monster's fatal attack.
It quickly turns into lights flashing and multiplying everywhere.
Before you can notice, there are lights beside you, there are lights behind you, there are lights in front of you.
They are more and more, so much you can't say what is city light and what is cosmic star.
That's when the city's swallowed you.
Welcome to POA.

Half past 4 a.m.
We had to have our breakfast.
Walking there is definitely not nice. Do you know what is like feeling completely in danger?
The nice thing was seeing an old friend. He didn't walk the same 'right and honoured' way I did, but now he's in a greater position than mine.
No, I'm not jealous, I'm actually happy to see he's found his way and is doing is greatly. And I'm equally amazed to discover that the most told story is that I had left the city since a number of years ago. LOL

Some time later, in front of the parliament house, a van would take us to our destinations.
That girl can rock. She's hungry for speed.
POA is nothing but a huge confusion that I clearly don't understand (nor want to), and she was not afraid to leave us upside down by exploring every corner of the city at nearly 80 Km/H (believe me, that's really fast).

Eventually on the right place, got to meet some new friends (one new friend, actually). Great to find several things in common!
And on the right room, just a nice girl I wish I'd gotten to know a bit better. I really really liked her.

When FINALLY doing my dirty work, nothing special came. Everything was so expected.
I wasn't prepared, what else would I expect? LOL

After that, rain, waiting and chatting. And a new van trip, accompanied with loads of uncertainty.
This one, I swear, would have killed me with only more 5 minutes.

I took my bus and went to the tourism part of the trip – the one I enjoyed the most, obviously.

A family gathering and I, alone, lost on that small universe.

Again, the brightest part of being where you're not known and will not ever be – you can be whatever you want.
It was great being able to look at where I wanted, to look like what I wanted and to look forward what I wanted.

Bigger cities do have their advantages.
Where else would I find such faces?
Sadly, everything was left on the might-have-been stage.

Meeting friends once again and having my nerd time.

Freedom time, consumer time, posh time, nerd time.
So much that it was time to go back home.
Goodbye big city. I still dislike you a lot.

Balance sheet? No hopes, and friends, really great friends, left behind.
Miss you, guys. You've made my Sunday great.


Saturday, 12 April 2008

A storm, just a storm

A few time since I last posted something substantial here.

Well, some weekends ago more tons of suburban glittery glam was thrown to the air. Till the dawn.
Meanwhile, I was sleeping safely on my very bed.

Unasked stories have been told. Not that I don't want to hear; I'm always afraid of what's to come, and this time nothing was not different.

They had agreed to make it any of these days... Glitter sets the mood for everything. It was done.
Hope it's been delicious. No sugar felt over here.

And then the suicidal thief. Please, try not to enter that area – it belongs to no one but me.
I am the one to beg and show complexity.
I am the one to crawl in every shadow of a has-been.
I am the one to listen, to advice – to be the completely in love supportive friend.
I am the one to do this dirty work.

And when seeing every single detail being unashamedly stripped in front of my very eyes, I realized that my healing was not actually complete.

I still feel completely underappreciated, not to say everything else.

Maybe I shouldn't have come back. Maybe I shouldn't have accepted it back.

There would be a bit more of magic if any accidental meeting happened.
"How you've been?" "In a hurry, as always... Bye bye!" – such a dreamt conversation.

Anyway... It's been quite some time ago. I'm over it now.

Now, this week was pretty intense.
I feel every single one of my obligations coming all together in something that soon will become an overwhelming mountain.
And since I still can't see it, it's just a felt mountain – and for the first time ever, Goldfrapp's first album has made some sense for me, LOL.

I've been really stressed because of it all... I don't know just how I'll manage to get everything done.
And note, I must get it all done. Or I'm just getting slightly fucked up.

Yeah, yeah... More amounts of hair being lost... Gosh.

Finally, today I've been kind of overcharged at work. And had to have some restricted fun, as always.

And then, a surprise... "So that's how you make your living, eh?"
Nice. That was one of the matters that have been kind of struggling into my mind.

And it was a storm revealed.
Got some nice amount of information by now, hehe.

And, well, storms, storms, storms.

Even a atmospheric one, with pure ice falling from the sky.

Is that usual to a warm autumn?

Anyway... I thing I've just got it all rather summed up.
It's just that ain't no patience in my mind now.

Nice weekend...

Wednesday, 2 April 2008

Life and its marvellous soundtrack

Taking a quick break from work, I'm writing this post just to remember myself I need to write a few things that have been walking through my mind lately.

Since my time is not that large, I've decided to simply post a lyric whose every word does make sense for me.

It's Lena Katina's "You". If you don't know Lena a bit too deep, you probably won't know this song, since it's never made it through the demo stage, lol.

Well, can't a song describe one's feelings much better than any other written words?
Focus the lyrics, just that. :)

By Lena Katina

Breathless, I'm shaking,
Just watching the game you play

I'll give up forever
To be in your heart today

Watching as everyone else
Gets a piece of you

Knowing I love you much more
Than they ever do

I miss you
I miss you
I miss you
I miss you


That's me by now.
Just falling on a very well known trap.
All over again.

Wednesday, 26 March 2008

Boys will be boys

Long conversations with that known friend have been one of my current favourite leisure activities.
Every single detail, history, opinion is taken to free levels of understanding, in which my mind floats, jumping and soaring upon possibilities.

Paid exchanges are also included. This particular one has made me reflect a little deeper.

In order to get a history of my unleashed, some hidden dirt should go out from behind the carpet.

Moving back to a recent party, prior to the one I attended, a boy was free.

Boys will be boys, and they'll hide behind the doors.
It's a men's matter.
Tear up your mask and become a man.

On his knees, he's done the dirty work.

You've never told me a single thing about that.

He's not sorry. I don't ever know enough.

Furthermore, a revelation to a friend of his, already aware, since a fairytale has been told out to the world.

He's not concerned about image, reputation, social network or even economic position of his partner.
Shall we have a conversation? They've never touched lips, but that's not necessary at all – the story would be told anyway.

I've never created such a tale, neither would I! – Dignity is something I ought to keep forever.
What a shame – that might as well get me a more sophisticated position on public opinion.
As you can see, my wishes coming true are irrelevant.

Now I nearly see myself as an instrument to take someone higher and higher.

Now I watch from afar and sadly, yet outstandingly delighted conclude: it's not a world I belong to. It's not a world worth having me in. J



Monday, 17 March 2008

Red hot lines

A friend welcomed back.

Long conversations as we'd never drifted apart, and for the first time I found the memories of the last December somehow smiling at me.

I do try to keep myself as restrained as possible, but my counterpart insists on taking my curiosity rather deeper than it should ever go.

It's been feeling really nice to have those funny red hot lines written again, really.
The problem is that I've just realised that the borderline between the fraternal love and the burning flames is rather thin and fragile.
Now I've been wondering how long I will resist to the spell of desire innocently cast at me.

I definitely don't want to get deeply involved again.

A deep breath.
A cold bath.
A fish sandwich and a cup of tea for dinner.

Ready to stare at it again, ain't I?

While I'm writing it, I'm dealing with these hard matters, even the other one, not the subject of this post.

Currently, I'm on an approach to find the winner's face, I don't actually know why.
Maybe to get my doubts satisfied, maybe to make some comparison, maybe to address my some kind of hate.

Anyway, whoever the winner is, I owe him somewhat of a deep respect.

And let us have a nice week!



Tuesday, 11 March 2008


Strange how many parts of my life are normally planned, scheduled. Rarely something happens unexpectedly, but while surprises can be not as nice as heaven, now and then I've been graced by some piece of sky silently waiting for me right on the next corner.

This is, however, not the case of the most recent events.

Weekend normally brings up the most tedious feelings on me. It has rarely brought some delightful surprises, but this last one has been barely nice, I'd say.
Nothing happened then; things were just transferred to the following monday.

The day went rather normally. There really was a bit of excitement, but nothing strong enough to avoid me paying attention to important tasks of mine.
Believe me, that was impressing. Normally I'd have my mind strictly stuck to the future, unable to accept the slow passing of the day.
I'd even say it's no fun without that bit of excitement.

Well, while the sun was soaring upon us from east to west, I was soaring upon a possibility, trying to make everything as perfect as possible.

Time went really fast, and the day passed gently. I had accepted the idea that I might not have anything different on that Monday.
Simultaneously, I was feeling like living an witching hour.

Suprisingly, the sign came.

Without saying goodbye I ran away.
Got into the first welcoming stranger's car, and ran away.

Runaways on the darkest road.

From my much-limited experience I've learnt that there is nothing better than the very lasts minutes of dignity.
When the lights are turned up again, everything feels as one more.

But it has all been nice, really nice.
I was the controller. I could handle the situation.

Possible to get my wished done. Impossible to come up for some air.

While it was supposed to be a common fly up to the sky, I was merely watching the travel.
And suprisingly it felt nice.
I could keep myself protected by shame covers, not exposed with intern shame.
I guess this was the best part.

After that, no much words, no much of what I really appreciate.

My bed hasn't even felt alone since then.

Again, just a bit of free and scheduled delicious fun, opening the week, closing the past.

Sunday, 9 March 2008


Vacations are over.
University is back again,
and summer is on its last breaths.
I've felt this was the perfect time for me to move ahead onto the next steps of my existence.

Updated my self-publicity and then been acting like every move is the last one for some time.

Yesterday saw the happening of something that I do believe to be some kind of sign.
My then turned-off ray of light apparently fooled me into fully shining once again in front of my eyes.
After accepting the fact that I didn't have where to go, we were able to kindly smile at each other again, and also get updated about each other.

I suddenly remembered how fun it all has been, and decided to accept the free friendship I've been offered since the not-that-nice events of late 2007.
We resumed the acquaintance, in a friendship we should have never tried to step any further from.

This could all have been just a coincidence... But I can see through the simplistic smoke. I think it was some kind of "karma" I had to solve before making any move ahead.

Another interesting fact was something really wrong I've done yesterday.

I'm not good at accepting a "no", especially when given with absolutely no sense of politeness, so I simply followed simple steps, and got my soul washed... with blood.
Delightful, yet totally sick. I've seen some despair, but hopefully it's made someone learn some good lessons.


Well, both facts, I'd say, were things I've done in order to get a dignified ending to this phase of my life.

And given the part of the year we are now, and some things that appear to be shaping up for me to move on, I guess the following weeks will witness some slights (and why not radical) changes on my overall lifestyle and on my intern self as well.


Nice week!

Thursday, 6 March 2008

Turn back the time!

This week was supposed, I guess, to bring a varied range of news and surprises. And if I'm thinking right, it has definitely succeeded.

It has, however, apparently followed a single guideline – nothing is so bad that can't get worse.

Working systems were desperately twisted, and to compensate idle moments, new ideas were implemented.
My view changed immediately so much that I didn't find the old way that dizzying anymore...

Academic life, just to vary a little, has gone even more menacing. I spent the whole last year wishing to get rid of dreadfully boring moments, but now that I've gotten it, changes have made things even worse.
Just like on work, the past situation now echoes infinitely more comforting when it comes to mind.

Terrible coincidence, uh?

Talking about past... I have said Uruguaiana is a terribly small city, haven't I? Well, everyday I'm proved more and more wrong – things are even worse.

Back to some years ago, I had a 4-days-long crush on an eventual, although candidly gorgeous girl, at a certain place, on scheduled nights.
Glitter, lights, music, summer... Eyes to eyes, but nowhere else.
End... end?

Much deeper back in past, a unique party on my garden. A dance number, and my partner was having a small childish attraction on me, nevertheless I've just discovered this.

Now, 2008, points have come together. The close summer girl and the deep past dance partner are the same girl, sister of one of my best friends.

We'd normally say "what a small world". I say "What a tiny rather small city!".

And, also, can't we turn back the time?

Tuesday, 4 March 2008

...And we're back to the runnin'

Vacations are over!
And shouldn't you take the exclamation mark as a sign of joyful excitement ;)

Yesterday college re-started, and there I was.
So nice to see old friendly faces. So not-that-nice to see some undesired new faces. But that's sooo not important.
Secretly I'd been expecting for the comeback, still I was finding it extremely nerd of me. But it's planted on me, this appreciation of being a student; somehow it kind of denotes youth, a full life ahead, and I like being in such a condition.

A welcome concert, and everyone unpolitely being indie - and being indie is being hype.
And soon before I could be the last one standing, I decided I should also take the hype fashion to my heart.

Back home, a fulminant sleepiness.

Since now I'm busy at night, my schedule is definitely full, and this means I'm not getting as much sleep as I normally do (do I get much?).
Bad moods and great moments of beloved stress await me soon ahead, but this time, weirdly, I'm not afraid nor despaired.
It is, I'd say, a consequence of my natural evolvement and my current guidelines - Let's not take things that hard. Just do things right and everything will fall into place.
Brazilian way anyone?

Other fields...
I'm kind of disappointed.
My oh-so-looked-forward dreams may not come true as fast as I've dreamt, what will force me to make some new efforts to get my wishes come true.
Weird how can a part of a percent affect me directly twice and so bad.

Wish me a nice back-to-school, I mean, back-to-college!

Tuesday, 26 February 2008

V for Vendetta

The world is a circle, and that's not by chance, I guess. Things do seem to go and come around.

Saturday, I (actually, mommy) refused a chance to come back to a much loved old past. A complete dumbness? No. I'm on a completely different stage of my life, incompatible with steps back.

A bit more delightful were things alike that happened last year – I turned my back to a door that had vibrantly opened to me after having abruptly closed few years before. That was not just a revenge; it was a question of honour.


Academy awards happened, local carnival on the next weekend... The present week is nothing but the last week of University vacation. I haven't read half the books I planned (actually just wished) to. I guess I haven't taken enough rest. I guess I haven't enjoyed the summer as much as I could. I guess...
Aside having these clichéd feelings of "unfulfillingness", I'm joyfully aching to once again live the craziness of having absolutely no free time and a massive amount of things to do, not to do, to create, to destroy and to worry about.

Talking about worries, mines have really been bothering me. It's news after news, opinions after opinions, and even a bit of investigation about me (Big Brother keeps on running!). The culminating point: it's highly probable, but I mustn't expect anything. Oh God!

This week has also not been that nice, especially today. Reflecting about my actions, I verified one intriguing true: I must see the end of every single day. I didn't see the end of yesterday, and look how today turned out to be.
Small confusions, excessive tasks and an insinuating and sleep-taking question from someone I thought to be above any worries... a bruised dog and I had to take some rest. Ok, absolutely nothing I wouldn't survive of, but such stress is not something I appreciate experiencing.
While inside I know that all these things have been coincidences and them coming together with a plausible reason it's just a silly manifestation of my deep OCD, I can't help but following my pointless inner rules – there's just too, too much in question.

Well, such a not-that-nice day combined with an anxious worry made me beg for a breath in. Dark Pills is great for eventually breathing it all out.



Thursday, 21 February 2008

Thankfulness... a word some people should really learn about.

I've been witnessing some disgusting displays of total despise to really huge blesses. It's terribly sad how some bad raised ones can't see how much they've got in their hands, and just keep on complaining. And, what's even worse, they complain about things in front of people who are aching to get these things.

I'd been holding myself down not to speak out some truths that were suffocating me. Yesterday I couldn't help, I simply couldn't, and let slip something, in her face: if you're not pleased, why don't you leave?
It was such a guilty pleasure seeing her blush while helplessly trying to find words to explain. Hope she's learnt something.

She's lovely, I really like her... But that everyday speech was pissing me off amazingly!

Other fields...

Well, I got to the conclusion I'm an under construction person.
Present and next efforts of my life are all about self changes and improvements.
As properly mentioned before, I've been my own #1. Lato sensu.

And that's my guideline for the next life chapters.

Saturday, 16 February 2008


February 16th, 2008.
Eleven years have passed so fast.

More than a decade ago, I was an 8 years old boy whose a unique part of life had just been taken from. Maturing had to come sooner than desired.
As time has passed, memories have naturally erased away. All I can remember now is a mini chaos, which, from the point-of-view of a young child, is a devastating storm.
A sea of tears taking shape in front of me, and I, unsure whether I had actually understood the amplitude of the event or not, watching that pandemonium, already cold enough to keep my eyes dry.

That night will always remain in my mind as a dreadful nightmare I've slowly woken up from.

Today, that February 16th is still reflecting on my life, affecting many fields of my (and my mother's) concerns.
Can't wait to finally be able to bury it deep in the past, though it does seem to take much longer than the long time desired.

Meanwhile, I'll keep on with my life and my aims, remembering the day, trying, however, not to honour too much, since, as mentioned, this is something I'm aching to see as dead past.

Past, past, past, how fool of me!
It's a blood matter. Such issues can't be simply forgotten. It's on my veins.

Oh, father. I must confess... I love you.
Hope you're looking at me, sending me blesses, wherever you are.

Friday, 15 February 2008

Empty Valentine

Yesterday, Februrary 14th, was the worldwide Valentine's day.
Brazilians, however, proving we do it better (?), have chosen a completely different day to commemorate the love. That's not the point.

As Sophie has said, it's a mixed up world, so such a famous and important date does affect the ones of us who care about foreigner matters - including myself.

I woke up knowing I could spend the whole day lamenting about recent defeats on the sentimental field... But since that would be an awful waste of time and sure enough would only bring me some wrinkles, I've decided to simply throw any possible sorrow away, and to normally live my day.

Well, that's how I've been living the last 19 years - mostly ignoring any more intense feeling, and dedicating my life to myself.

Sometimes I'm so disconnected of the lovers world that I really wonder if I died or if I've overgrown love.
None of them, actually... It's just life spent to myself, as said above.
I no longer bother on being alone. This is not something I want yesterday, this is not something I'm actively looking for. Love comes, doesn't it? If I'm meant to find a soulmate, then someday I shall.
I just shan't be crying over it taking longer than it should... This life is mine and I oughtta make it funny and worth the chance.

Wednesday, 13 February 2008

A name written everywhere

Carnival is over, cinders extinguished, hangovers healed... 2008 started.

No, I haven't partied any on this year's carnival, but even for the most alienated ones the overall mood change as the parties are over is crystalline clean.

Getting started...

Last week I went back home by feet. I do know
I should do that more often; I just don't because I'm quitting some vices, so I need to take it easy with my body. Well that's not the point.
What I need to register here are the coincidences. I was walking on an absolutely not unknown places and streets, and still I felt that strange need to look at where I don't normally care staring at.
Millions of papers flying by my side, and I've only seen one name. Glow.
I looked at a random place, and still my eyes were automatically magnetised to that single point. So many names soaring quietly and still, and I was "lucky" enough to get myself randomly looking at that one.
No much to do but draw a shy smile on my face, congratulating and wishing luck inside.

A few days later, on my weekend lazy activities, I've found the usual traces of old shy stares, and there it was. The name. What was it wanting this time? "How do you do"? Impossible to know, irresistible to ask, extremely better –for many reasons – to remain quiet, and silently stared back. For the first time I've found the view disgusting. Is this a major sign of a cure?

Well, although I am healed of old passionate feelings – as mentioned some times on this very same blog –, this subject still touches me somehow.
I'm feeling haunted by my should-be-forgotten past, but definitely not annoyed. It's nice trying to guess intentions, meanings and overall futures.
In the end, every game is the greatest when you eventually get to learn how to play it.

On the other sides...

The dark sea is still standing there. Well, guess I've always named it right. Seas don't usually move, what else could I expect?
And since it's a complete unnavigable mystery, I preferred not to go any deeper and give up. Not that I don't want my promised pearls – it's just that I've got a whole world to worry about, and this aquatic games were only getting me stressed.
I've already lost hair enough.

Black hair, brown hair, blonde hair... The ocean-blue-eyed one has lost its colours. No more pink, no more deep blue. Just grey clouds dreadfully soaring upon some twisted feelings.
And even though the landscape is depressing, I am absolutely thankful. Amongst all the shadows I see a heart trying to please someone who's not actually been worth of such concerns.
I know that sometimes I ask too much, and I recognise that sometimes I couldn't stand myself... And still I get all this consideration.
How immensely thankful I'm feeling. Really.
Wish I felt comfortable enough to thank every single thing I've received. Some things, however, are much more beautiful when left unsaid.

If you ever read this... Thank you.

Thursday, 7 February 2008

Watched 24x7

Living on a small town has its advantages. You can go from one side to the other on a matter of minutes, and you are hardly concerned about being late.

And when you're walking from extreme to extreme, you always walk on the same streets and see the same people. You'd recognize their faces anywhere, and so would they about you.

You slowly start to get acknowledged. Your name is no mistery.
Points are revealed and oppositive lines converge to same place, creating wonderfully suprising - and scary, as well - webs.

Last holiday ventures on faces-free club went as terrible and amusing as always.
Same names, same objectives. Brilliantly boring - one more try.

I've made, again, the same mistake of always: I've played too open.
My life's dossie popped up in front of me, to my disgusting pleasure.
It all felt absurdly horripilant - but also suprisingly exciting.
I've felt completely surrounded and full-time watched.
As I've said to myself many times before, there's always a billion stars shining upon you, and this is no cosmic subject.

Suddenly I was in Big Brother.
Every single move watched. Every single breath accompanied. Every single person a detective.

There have been no confirmations. Only fake promises, reviving my fire.
I've been left alone.

On the following day, I've felt no paranoia. Amazing how I simply ignore it all.
This is my life filosophy - take it easy, live's a joke, and good jokes are only those that make you at least let out a shy smile.

Deep inside I know that nothing of this is good. I don't want to be the protagonist of the next hot new gossip. I don't want to live in tongues.
I just want to stay anonymous. I don't want to lose my intimacy.

...And people ask me why I'm urging to leave.

Monday, 4 February 2008

Compelled to reflect

Venturing on the dark virtual streets is mostly not productive. You normally only see primitive hedonism and rows of throwaway figures. That should all be stressing, exhausting, but, impressively, somehow it's exciting for me.
And yesterday I've been rewarded.

Now and then you do find something interesting lying around. I simply glanced at those occasional blue words and thought "let's try it". What seemed to be nothing, turned out to be amusingly intriguing.

And then I've found someone who made me think. I've been forced to reflect about my actions, my thoughts, my way of being, and even about Dark Pills. Believe me, it was all fantastic.

When the cards were revealed, no big surprise. I couldn't expect such deep words from anyone else. I felt my house surrounded by an interesting atmosphere, after all.
And with the cards, a big, deep dark sea was presented to me. No matter how many times I say I don't like mysteries, this time I've felt simply challenged. It was like an invitation to dive deep and discover every single hidden pearl.
Guess what I'm going to do?

Well, I hope this time I have some good fun at all. I don't want to head in too deep and then wake up completely lost on painful feelings, like on recent past events – out of which I've hopefully taken some lessons.

On the other hand, I guess some unfinished histories of my life are coming to an end. My far, far away ocean-blue-eyed ex-nearly-blow-of-live sounds like leaving. A relationship taking its very last breaths, that's what it feels like. It's painfully sad to erase the happy moments and simply let go, but I think it's the most dignified thing to do.
If it's, however, only a momentary coldness, no problems or regrets about what I've said. Whenever I have to let the little white bird fly – and I'm firmly sure this will happen sooner or later – I shall do it.

The love wounds will heal anyway, won't they?

Ok, ok. Let's just see how things unfold...



Saturday, 2 February 2008


Dark eyes of the past shining again on my present. No departure happening anymore.

Thanks God I'm not into diving on passionate emotions by now – otherwise, I'd be nuts.

The week passed fast, and then I've simply waken up on the last working day before the carnival holidays. The point is… I've only become fully aware of it… today!
Have I been plugged off of the world lately?

Be it or not, it's really weird that I haven't noticed ANY excitement or anticipation about the carnival events that everybody in my age love and can't live without. Have my acquaintances changed so dramatically since last year that my new social circle is this different?

Well, I've been given SEVERAL days-off on work for the next week. Really funny, you see, that now I've got a HUGE amount of free time and absolutely NOTHING planned.
That's really disappointing, though I definitely trust my ability to fulfill my free time with absolutely POINTLESS and USELESS fun.
I really MUST learn how to dedicate myself to more important activities, such as studying – not that I actually need it to graduate; it's not an academic demand, it's a life's exigency.

No greater plans for carnival commemorations. I really wanted to party a little, to be sincere.
Getting lost among the shadows of the night, waking up on the next morning, on an unknown place, in the bed of a stranger. with a massive hangover. (LOOOOOOOOOOOL)
Wild dreams, indeed.
But isn't carnival the dirtiest part of the year?

Monday, 28 January 2008

Past must be, let me guess... past!

Here I am, again, just for the sake of being here, posting.

I don't actually take this blog as a diary. My guideline has been to post only relevant events here, but since the posts avalanche from my last travel, I've been sorta feeling the need to always get Dark Pills up-to-date.

Well, there's nothing actually relevant going on. My life's been quite calm, and the routine's been rather respected.

On the other hand, I must say, Uruguaiana is a very depressing place - you simply can't move on here.

The dark eyes are being mentioned everywhere. It's not nice when your friends know way more than they should.
Such memories should be stored on a very deep dead-archive room of my mind, but people - and I, as well - insist on bringing it up again.

As I said on my last post, I do feel healed of any passionate feelings.
But it's part of me analizing over and over again my last actions, to check if I've actually made good moves. Consequently, when old memories are brought up, I can't help but deliriously thinking about every single thing I've said and done (and haven't said and haven't done, as well).

No, I'm not going crazy.
These are just things I've mentioned for the record.

Wednesday, 23 January 2008

Unknown dark street

There we were, just me and my creeping past.
Going somewhere I can't remember. Walking through a dreadful unknow dark street.
"We'd better walk fast... It's a dangerous place"
I held the safety arm and tried to run, but I was breathless and completely weak.
I felt in complete danger, but immensely comfortable for looking at those deep dark eyes again.
Other eyes, however, were menacingly sparkling among the shadows. We'd soon be under attack.

Can't say what happened next. Dreams are nothing but a whole mix of pure twisting confusion.

A cup of water to help swallowing that.
"I haven't forgotten you yet"
It's all against my will, but I can't help but squeezing tight every single detail I can remember of that dream.
Maybe that could be our last adventure together - a breathtaking dream of mine.

No matter what... I do feel healed, and do feel like I've turned that light off of my life.
And that's just how it oughts to remain.


The other fields of my life just keep going.

My new internship is far from exciting, and I still don't actually feel respected there.
Guess it's a question of time till I find my space there.
Despite it all, I'm really enjoying the whole thing... Smells like bubbling, erupting (in a good sense).
I'm eager to learn as much as they can teach me.

Friday, 18 January 2008

Return to anywhere but Oz

Back to my city, not very wished homecoming, however. Not that I don't like Uruguaiana, I really do. I was only having great times at my trip, and one more week definitely wouldn't be bad... Oh, C'mon! Two weeks off were quite enough and pretty fine. I guess that any more than that could pontentially leave me spoiled - and when you have too much of a good thing, all the magic is lost.
Is that an agreement between myself and I? LOL

Nearly disastrous early morning on my first full day, but everything eventually went fine.
I'm still rather sick.

Awaited new activities came by the afternoon, and, well, it all turned out to be quite nice.
No remarkable fact, no nerves, no anxiety... I pretty much think it's maturity growing on me - I'd better never have big expectations on nothing.
Guess I'm gonna have a good time at my new internship.

The following days have been nice, I think.
I feel very useful at PFN, but a bit completely useless at the new internship. Well, I haven't expected to take all possible charges right on the first week, have I? LOL. Luxer says relax.

I'm also getting used to Uruguaiana's rhythm again, and my sickness is almost all-gone by now.
Even the heat has been way less intense... Is the city trying to be a bit more gentle with me?
Hope so.

It's raining today, and I've taken an inevitable rain bath. It's a nice soul-cleaning activity, just not as immensely effective and magic as the ocean, but it's got its catch. =)

The only shame is that I've only been using my free time to retrieve lost sleep or to have useless fun... I've got SO many SERIOUS things to do, and I don't know how to convince myself about this.

Anyway, nice week, after all.


Wednesday, 16 January 2008

Trip Diaries – Balance sheet

Written Tuesday, January 15th 2007.

Altough I'm still really sick after the yesterday travel back home, I feel like it's just time that I analyzed my whole trip, finishing my trip diaries.

Travelling to Curitiba/BC was simply an attempt to make me feel lighter, free from the everyday pressure of Uruguaiana.

It was AMAZING getting to know the metropolis much deeper, and though not every wish of mine has come true, I feel like having fulfilled my aims.

The cheeto's were ABSURDLY WONDERFUL. They made me feel completely home, and I simply can't thank them enough for everything. I feel like having an enormous debit with them, and I promise I will pay.

BC was a bit different. I didn't feel actually comfortable there, although Tê and Ciro apparently didn't seem to care about me at all – I mean, they seemed to like me there, and didn't seem annoyed by me presence, and that was fantastic. They've been amazing too, and I also can't thank them enough.

These two weeks away home have been full of discoveries and new information. The unknown big cities allowed me to simply chill out and be myself. No shame, no worries.

An entire world opened up right in front of me, and I'm eager to explore every single drop of it.

Going back to Uruguaiana only turned out to be nice after the disastrous bus travel. Being here aside my mother's pessimism ain't just what I've spent my life dreaming of, but it's something, as far as I'm concerned, that I ought to go through for growing and maturing, before I'm actually ready to leave and explore a bigger (and way more exciting) world.

I'm strongly missing Curitiba. But I shall be back. This is my life aim.

Yes, I do feel like having fulfilled my aims. I'm really feeling lighter, happier. I'm not feeling as bad as I was feeling when I embarked on the Cheeto's car all the way to CWB.

I feel nice, I feel relieved, I feel healed.

I guess I'm different now. Ready to live 2008.

Tuesday, 15 January 2008

Trip Diaries – Final and Dizzy Moves/I’m going sick

Friday, January 11th 2008

Day started off with no pretensions at all… It's so nice to be proved wrong now and then!
Few clicks away, one of the most interesting part of my travel so far…

Free walk to unlimited planned fun. Good afternoon, stranger world.
Yes, I walked through the unknown, deeper undergrounds. This time, however, I was not afraid of anything – I'm almost a foreigner here!

Only one thing to remember: sweat. The heat was intense, but the fire within was even stronger. Everything feeling so wrong, but so right at the same time.
So long since I'd last done all that.

I've seen the forbidden, I've tasted the forbidden.

Weirdly enough, this time I didn't feel dirty, filthy, guilty or ashamed. I went back home with a foolish smile softly drawn on my face. I was, somehow, feeling free – I'd waited long for something like that.

I swore to forget the details... But this is, definitely, one day to remember.


Saturday, January 12th 2008

Another day started off with no pretensions, but this time I was not proved wrong.

I woke up dreaming of diving even deeper on the undergrounds of the big city. I wouldn't, however, go all alone. That's why I simply haven't gone.

Nothing else of this day must be remembered – it's just one more filler day of my life...


Sunday, January 13th 2008

Last day of my travel...

I've actually gone back to the beach today, but I haven't gone underwater... I've just walked on the superficial water.
We've taken few pictures that I'm not really certain about their actual existence – the camera didn't seem to be working...

Stuff packed, last wishes come true, time to go!

The bus seemed comfortable, and I thought I'd make a quite nice trip back – how damn wrong I was.

Few hours later... I was about to die inside that fucking bus. God!


Monday, January 14th 2008

I don't actually know when the day started. I was too sick to have any time perception.

I didn't even see Porto Alegre – what a shame, I love looking at that huge city!

The bus reached my home city when it was about noon. It was fantastic being at home after the last torturing hours locked on that bus.

No one seemed likely to help me, the heat was ABSURDLY intense but... I've survived.

Mamma mia looked as irritating as always, but I know that it's just my wrong way to love her not looking fool or fragile.

I've slept for good portions of the day. It hasn't, however, been enough to help me actually resting.

Gosh, tomorrow I'm having a FULL day, and I simply IGNORE where I'm VOMITING energy from...

Friday, 11 January 2008

Trip Diaries - See ya!/Vol. 2

Tuesday, January 8th 2007

Last full day on Curitiba.

Part of me wanted to leave.
Parted wanted to stay there forever.
The biggest part, however, was the one accepting the fact that I HAD to leave - bus ticket anybody? LOOOOOL

I drove a lot this day. I feel so secure - and so lost!
But I'm really able to find the way to Rose's house now.

My last dinner (for now) on the metropolis was far from the best - not-very-liked relatives - but it's ok.

The night's fallen, my stuff packed... Last goodnight (for now), dear metropolis.

Wednesday, January 9th 2007

Early morning, time to wake up and say bye-bye.

Everything on time, Curitiba slowly disappeared behind more cities and green.

See you later, dear metropolis.

Just a small time after, I was seeing the ocean. How I'd missed it.
And then... My last destination.

Started off, the Vol. 2 of this travel.

BC whole package was there, looking as stunning as always, but a bit different and uncomfortable if compared to Curitiba - I'm kind of spoiled, LOL!

A small walk in the sand at night, and bed. I'm needing to rest!

Thursday, January 10th 2007

Tenth January day. God, it's been (too) fast!

I woke up for a big ride... But, unlike Christina, my body said 'no'.

At afternoon, I decided to finally use all the courage I'd been storing. Beach all alone.

Wave after wave, I desired and felt all the weight on my shoulders, all the shame, all the pain, all the negativity simply washed away.
The endless sea cleaned my soul and renewed my energies, making me feel amazing.

Very nice paraguayan friends, and a huge lot of huge blunders that didn't embarass me at all - come on, I'm more than a thousand KM's away from my city!

Shopping centre at night, and bed =)

Tuesday, 8 January 2008

Trip diaries – Feels like home

Amazing how few days are enough for you to forget details of your past days – I remember things happening, but I can’t remember the day they happened. That’s sad.

Friday, January 4th 2008

The biggest spotlight of this day goes to me driving across Curitiba without Cleber's company for the first time ever!
Just me and Rose, and I managed to make everything just fine.

I can't actually recall the rest of the day, but I believe we went to a shopping centre – my favourite entertainment at all.

Saturday, January 5th 2008

Waking up at noon, and going out a little time after. I’ve met some wonderful places, and had lots of fun doing mostly anything.

On my head only what a dear friend complained about me: I was needing less security and more adventure. A completely free and uncertain life just isn’t me – but I agreed I was needing to dive into the metropolis monster a (huge) bit deeper...

Sunday, January 6th 2008

Barbecue on my honour! I’ve met a very dear Rose’s friend, and though I was initially a bit scared about her, I happened to love her as we eventually met.

I’ve never felt so close to Cleber. It’s amazing how we can simply chat over and over for hours. He’s kind of the older brother I’ve never had – yes, I do have actual brothers, but they’re much more like friends to me than close relatives, though I actually like them.

We’ve then gone to more stunning places, all of them terrifically amazing.

Beers and beers, I’ve got to feel a bit happier, a bit dizzier and some forbidden thoughts flirted with my mind. I, however, am good at keeping control of myself.
On the other hand, Cleber’s drunk a (huge) bit more than I, so I’ve also got to drive again =)

Curitiba’s feeling like home for me. That’s amazing.

Monday, January 7th 2008

Monday started, weirdly enough, brilliantly – lots of fun at a sophisticated museum.

God, I’m feeling terrible about my body. Just a small bit of walk and I’m breathless. It is time that I stopped blaming it all at my illness: I’m the one to blame.

Anyway, anyway, shopping centre with Cleber at night. He’s great, really – so is Rose. I mean, both Cleber and Rose – tenderly called “The Cheetos” – are being amazing persons. They just seem to do ANYTHING to make me feel pleased and home. I simply ignore what I’ve done to deserve this. But I’m really enjoying it (LOOOL) and IMMENSELY thankful.

Well, that's it for now =)

Friday, 4 January 2008

Trip diaries - the day after

Thursday, January 3rd 2008

A new day of nonstoping walking, but now accompanied by actually trustworthy people .

Rose's been amazing, so has Cleber. They've been saving me from myself all the time.

Curitiba is such a tricky city to walk around. It's uneven and the streets make absolutely no sense. Rose keeps asking me if I know where I am, and I always have NO CLUE - while the apartment is just around the corner.

Night mostly spent on a new shopping centre, a bigger one, perhaps the biggest one on the city. This time Rose and Cleber were with me.
Lots of laughs, lots of funny pictures. Stressing out activity, indeed.

And I eventually got to drive on Curitiba for the first time :D
I managed to do everything just fine. Cleber, however, was SO nervous that I don't know how he managed to keep his external cool - he's definitely a tough guy o/

Life and its marvellous soundtrack

Given the recent events, I was forced to, once again, search for some song I could see my feelings on.
I haven't got any relevant results, but I've actually found one that's really given me some strength after all. It fits well the whole situation, and also helps me giving a brighter view of everything.

It's "The World Still Turns" by Kylie Minogue (inspiring diva of mine?).
Although sounding like just one more uptempo silly pop track, its lyrics are worth the reading (and, why not, the listening).

Here it goes:

The World Still Turns

If there was a chance
To save our broken romance
I'd let it go (actually, I wouldn't, LOL)
'Cos now I know
That life doesn't end
You can start again
All isn't gone
Just carry on
Be your own best firend

It's easy to survive
Now that I finally realise that

The world still turns
The stars still shine
The way they did when you were mine
A broken heartIs a lesson learned
Though we're apart
Baby the world still turns

I couldn't believe
That you were going to leave
Without a care
Heading somewhere elsewhere
Ohh my aching heart
Never thought that we would part
What could I do - my love for you
I was honest from the start
Time takes away the pain
And the sun will shine again, cause

The world still turns
The stars still shine
The way they did when you were mine
A broken heartIs a lesson learned
Though we're apart
Baby the world still turns

Thursday, 3 January 2008

Trip Diaries - Lost in the metropolis

Wednesday, January 2nd 2008

Such an important and long-awaited day this one.

My blood pressure was high. Excitement, anxiety.
Every single detail extensively planned.
I was ready.

Steps, steps, buildings, buildings, and there was I.
Purely blue ocean looking at me. I was feeling home.

Hours of nonstoping occasional subjects and walking through the unknown.

Five gifts I had to give. Four taken, the least important ones. It doesn't matter, and it never will.
The fifth gift, my soul, devoted day after day, word after word, whisper after whisper..
In the exact same way it has happened before. Fucking déjà vu. It's a nightmare coming all over again.

Months and months simply thrown away. All I can see now is an amount of wasted time.
One more bet lost, one more opportunity lost.
Words thrown to the air, lost in the air.

I just can't be no-one's #1.

I went back home completely lost. The ground was taken away. I felt like falling.

Both accidentally and intentionally I got lost on the big town, on the metropolis.
Wanted to breathe some air, wanted to walk through the unknown.

Eventually I've found the way.
My heart still hasn't.

Now I feel like quitting all this.
I guess I'm better focus on myself. Be my own #1.
I'm not worth all this suffering.
I'm no good boy, I'm no bad boy.
I'm Looh, Luxer, whatever you want to call - My owner.

Wednesday, 2 January 2008

Trip diaries

By the way, this is as silly and straightforward as every diary.

Sunday, December 30th 2007

I just can't believe the day of my long-awaited trip has come.
Awaiting me were new experiences, new people and... freedom.

The trip went just fine. Rather exhausting, indeed, but a nice smell of expectation in the air.
I was a bit concerned about the just-happened not nice events, but as soon as we entered the car, everything stood outside, and as we drove, it was all left on Uruguaiana.

I even drove a little. I'm a bit more experienced on driving now!

We arrived by 4 a.m., December 31st.
Despite all good reviews about Curitiba, the city seemed rather dark and unwelcoming. I think I needed just a bit of daylight to see things better.

Right to bed, we do need some rest!

Monday, December 31st 2007

From bed to shopping centre!

It was, however, a bit disappointing. Couldn't find what I was looking for, and, before I was done, the shopping closed :)

And then, we were going to what would be the first New Year party far from most of my family (especially Mamma Mia). Nice people, nice place (inside view... outside it was not a very kind place), nice look. Better than any New Yr party I'd ever been.

For me, beginning 2008 in such a metropolis, and so far from my family attachments (in exception of Rose, course) was a perhaps strong luck factor, as well as a life change towards bigger (and better!) venues factor.

Hope so.

Interesting glances at some interesting one. Not important, however.

Anyway, the new year begun with a small lot of fun :)

Tuesday, January 1st 2008

Woke up by noon. New Year Party went till late night =D

My first lunch of the year was nothing but nice... Terrible food =X
But I'm grown boy, and I didn't misbehave :) LOOL

I've also discovered how I'm good with children - I magnetize them close :D
And I sure have a lot of fun with them ^^

I also got to know better some very interesting people, with who I've played (and won right on the first round) Uno, a game I had never played before. Lucky, ain't I?

Well, well... Very funny and fitting start to an year ^^

Welcome, 2008. Be gentle to us!

Tuesday, 1 January 2008

ourselves, v. 200.8

January 1st.
Curitiba, PR, Brasil.

2007 is nothing but a bittersweet memory for me now.
I was successful on some things, but completely useless on others. Well, it's normal, isn't it?

I won't, of course, be reflecting about the just finished year. Past is past, and I must kiss it all goodbye.

Should I focus on my wishes for the future then? On this new year...
Professionally, I shall maintain my modus operandi - it's been working, hasn't it?
The more personal fields... The undergrounds... Not planned yet. It feels like a deep dark cloud. I can't see any through, and I've got no long-term plans or expectations.
I definitely feel alive, and I oughtta take all chances I can, before it's too late.

And that's it - I'm not spoiling anything :)

Finally, for you, dear reader, I wish that 2008 brings you nothing but life.
I wish that you live instead of just existing.
A kiss/hug on your very soul.

(I'll do my best to post the trip diaries soon... Look forward for further updates)