Tuesday 26 February 2008

V for Vendetta

The world is a circle, and that's not by chance, I guess. Things do seem to go and come around.

Saturday, I (actually, mommy) refused a chance to come back to a much loved old past. A complete dumbness? No. I'm on a completely different stage of my life, incompatible with steps back.

A bit more delightful were things alike that happened last year – I turned my back to a door that had vibrantly opened to me after having abruptly closed few years before. That was not just a revenge; it was a question of honour.

--

Academy awards happened, local carnival on the next weekend... The present week is nothing but the last week of University vacation. I haven't read half the books I planned (actually just wished) to. I guess I haven't taken enough rest. I guess I haven't enjoyed the summer as much as I could. I guess...
Aside having these clichéd feelings of "unfulfillingness", I'm joyfully aching to once again live the craziness of having absolutely no free time and a massive amount of things to do, not to do, to create, to destroy and to worry about.

Talking about worries, mines have really been bothering me. It's news after news, opinions after opinions, and even a bit of investigation about me (Big Brother keeps on running!). The culminating point: it's highly probable, but I mustn't expect anything. Oh God!

This week has also not been that nice, especially today. Reflecting about my actions, I verified one intriguing true: I must see the end of every single day. I didn't see the end of yesterday, and look how today turned out to be.
Small confusions, excessive tasks and an insinuating and sleep-taking question from someone I thought to be above any worries... a bruised dog and I had to take some rest. Ok, absolutely nothing I wouldn't survive of, but such stress is not something I appreciate experiencing.
While inside I know that all these things have been coincidences and them coming together with a plausible reason it's just a silly manifestation of my deep OCD, I can't help but following my pointless inner rules – there's just too, too much in question.

Well, such a not-that-nice day combined with an anxious worry made me beg for a breath in. Dark Pills is great for eventually breathing it all out.


 

Cheers!

Thursday 21 February 2008

Thankfulness...

...is a word some people should really learn about.

I've been witnessing some disgusting displays of total despise to really huge blesses. It's terribly sad how some bad raised ones can't see how much they've got in their hands, and just keep on complaining. And, what's even worse, they complain about things in front of people who are aching to get these things.

I'd been holding myself down not to speak out some truths that were suffocating me. Yesterday I couldn't help, I simply couldn't, and let slip something, in her face: if you're not pleased, why don't you leave?
It was such a guilty pleasure seeing her blush while helplessly trying to find words to explain. Hope she's learnt something.

She's lovely, I really like her... But that everyday speech was pissing me off amazingly!

Other fields...

Well, I got to the conclusion I'm an under construction person.
Present and next efforts of my life are all about self changes and improvements.
As properly mentioned before, I've been my own #1. Lato sensu.

And that's my guideline for the next life chapters.

Saturday 16 February 2008

Remembrances

February 16th, 2008.
Eleven years have passed so fast.

More than a decade ago, I was an 8 years old boy whose a unique part of life had just been taken from. Maturing had to come sooner than desired.
As time has passed, memories have naturally erased away. All I can remember now is a mini chaos, which, from the point-of-view of a young child, is a devastating storm.
A sea of tears taking shape in front of me, and I, unsure whether I had actually understood the amplitude of the event or not, watching that pandemonium, already cold enough to keep my eyes dry.

That night will always remain in my mind as a dreadful nightmare I've slowly woken up from.

Today, that February 16th is still reflecting on my life, affecting many fields of my (and my mother's) concerns.
Can't wait to finally be able to bury it deep in the past, though it does seem to take much longer than the long time desired.

Meanwhile, I'll keep on with my life and my aims, remembering the day, trying, however, not to honour too much, since, as mentioned, this is something I'm aching to see as dead past.

Past, past, past, how fool of me!
It's a blood matter. Such issues can't be simply forgotten. It's on my veins.

Oh, father. I must confess... I love you.
Hope you're looking at me, sending me blesses, wherever you are.

Friday 15 February 2008

Empty Valentine

Yesterday, Februrary 14th, was the worldwide Valentine's day.
Brazilians, however, proving we do it better (?), have chosen a completely different day to commemorate the love. That's not the point.

As Sophie has said, it's a mixed up world, so such a famous and important date does affect the ones of us who care about foreigner matters - including myself.

I woke up knowing I could spend the whole day lamenting about recent defeats on the sentimental field... But since that would be an awful waste of time and sure enough would only bring me some wrinkles, I've decided to simply throw any possible sorrow away, and to normally live my day.

Well, that's how I've been living the last 19 years - mostly ignoring any more intense feeling, and dedicating my life to myself.

Sometimes I'm so disconnected of the lovers world that I really wonder if I died or if I've overgrown love.
None of them, actually... It's just life spent to myself, as said above.
I no longer bother on being alone. This is not something I want yesterday, this is not something I'm actively looking for. Love comes, doesn't it? If I'm meant to find a soulmate, then someday I shall.
I just shan't be crying over it taking longer than it should... This life is mine and I oughtta make it funny and worth the chance.

Wednesday 13 February 2008

A name written everywhere

Carnival is over, cinders extinguished, hangovers healed... 2008 started.

No, I haven't partied any on this year's carnival, but even for the most alienated ones the overall mood change as the parties are over is crystalline clean.

Getting started...

Last week I went back home by feet. I do know
I should do that more often; I just don't because I'm quitting some vices, so I need to take it easy with my body. Well that's not the point.
What I need to register here are the coincidences. I was walking on an absolutely not unknown places and streets, and still I felt that strange need to look at where I don't normally care staring at.
Millions of papers flying by my side, and I've only seen one name. Glow.
I looked at a random place, and still my eyes were automatically magnetised to that single point. So many names soaring quietly and still, and I was "lucky" enough to get myself randomly looking at that one.
No much to do but draw a shy smile on my face, congratulating and wishing luck inside.

A few days later, on my weekend lazy activities, I've found the usual traces of old shy stares, and there it was. The name. What was it wanting this time? "How do you do"? Impossible to know, irresistible to ask, extremely better –for many reasons – to remain quiet, and silently stared back. For the first time I've found the view disgusting. Is this a major sign of a cure?

Well, although I am healed of old passionate feelings – as mentioned some times on this very same blog –, this subject still touches me somehow.
I'm feeling haunted by my should-be-forgotten past, but definitely not annoyed. It's nice trying to guess intentions, meanings and overall futures.
In the end, every game is the greatest when you eventually get to learn how to play it.

On the other sides...

The dark sea is still standing there. Well, guess I've always named it right. Seas don't usually move, what else could I expect?
And since it's a complete unnavigable mystery, I preferred not to go any deeper and give up. Not that I don't want my promised pearls – it's just that I've got a whole world to worry about, and this aquatic games were only getting me stressed.
I've already lost hair enough.

Black hair, brown hair, blonde hair... The ocean-blue-eyed one has lost its colours. No more pink, no more deep blue. Just grey clouds dreadfully soaring upon some twisted feelings.
And even though the landscape is depressing, I am absolutely thankful. Amongst all the shadows I see a heart trying to please someone who's not actually been worth of such concerns.
I know that sometimes I ask too much, and I recognise that sometimes I couldn't stand myself... And still I get all this consideration.
How immensely thankful I'm feeling. Really.
Wish I felt comfortable enough to thank every single thing I've received. Some things, however, are much more beautiful when left unsaid.

If you ever read this... Thank you.

Thursday 7 February 2008

Watched 24x7

Living on a small town has its advantages. You can go from one side to the other on a matter of minutes, and you are hardly concerned about being late.


And when you're walking from extreme to extreme, you always walk on the same streets and see the same people. You'd recognize their faces anywhere, and so would they about you.

You slowly start to get acknowledged. Your name is no mistery.
Points are revealed and oppositive lines converge to same place, creating wonderfully suprising - and scary, as well - webs.

Last holiday ventures on faces-free club went as terrible and amusing as always.
Same names, same objectives. Brilliantly boring - one more try.

I've made, again, the same mistake of always: I've played too open.
My life's dossie popped up in front of me, to my disgusting pleasure.
It all felt absurdly horripilant - but also suprisingly exciting.
I've felt completely surrounded and full-time watched.
As I've said to myself many times before, there's always a billion stars shining upon you, and this is no cosmic subject.

Suddenly I was in Big Brother.
Every single move watched. Every single breath accompanied. Every single person a detective.

There have been no confirmations. Only fake promises, reviving my fire.
I've been left alone.

On the following day, I've felt no paranoia. Amazing how I simply ignore it all.
This is my life filosophy - take it easy, live's a joke, and good jokes are only those that make you at least let out a shy smile.

Deep inside I know that nothing of this is good. I don't want to be the protagonist of the next hot new gossip. I don't want to live in tongues.
I just want to stay anonymous. I don't want to lose my intimacy.

...And people ask me why I'm urging to leave.

Monday 4 February 2008

Compelled to reflect

Venturing on the dark virtual streets is mostly not productive. You normally only see primitive hedonism and rows of throwaway figures. That should all be stressing, exhausting, but, impressively, somehow it's exciting for me.
And yesterday I've been rewarded.

Now and then you do find something interesting lying around. I simply glanced at those occasional blue words and thought "let's try it". What seemed to be nothing, turned out to be amusingly intriguing.

And then I've found someone who made me think. I've been forced to reflect about my actions, my thoughts, my way of being, and even about Dark Pills. Believe me, it was all fantastic.

When the cards were revealed, no big surprise. I couldn't expect such deep words from anyone else. I felt my house surrounded by an interesting atmosphere, after all.
And with the cards, a big, deep dark sea was presented to me. No matter how many times I say I don't like mysteries, this time I've felt simply challenged. It was like an invitation to dive deep and discover every single hidden pearl.
Guess what I'm going to do?

Well, I hope this time I have some good fun at all. I don't want to head in too deep and then wake up completely lost on painful feelings, like on recent past events – out of which I've hopefully taken some lessons.

On the other hand, I guess some unfinished histories of my life are coming to an end. My far, far away ocean-blue-eyed ex-nearly-blow-of-live sounds like leaving. A relationship taking its very last breaths, that's what it feels like. It's painfully sad to erase the happy moments and simply let go, but I think it's the most dignified thing to do.
If it's, however, only a momentary coldness, no problems or regrets about what I've said. Whenever I have to let the little white bird fly – and I'm firmly sure this will happen sooner or later – I shall do it.

The love wounds will heal anyway, won't they?

Ok, ok. Let's just see how things unfold...

 

Cheers!

Saturday 2 February 2008

Carnival

Dark eyes of the past shining again on my present. No departure happening anymore.

Thanks God I'm not into diving on passionate emotions by now – otherwise, I'd be nuts.

The week passed fast, and then I've simply waken up on the last working day before the carnival holidays. The point is… I've only become fully aware of it… today!
Have I been plugged off of the world lately?

Be it or not, it's really weird that I haven't noticed ANY excitement or anticipation about the carnival events that everybody in my age love and can't live without. Have my acquaintances changed so dramatically since last year that my new social circle is this different?
...

Well, I've been given SEVERAL days-off on work for the next week. Really funny, you see, that now I've got a HUGE amount of free time and absolutely NOTHING planned.
That's really disappointing, though I definitely trust my ability to fulfill my free time with absolutely POINTLESS and USELESS fun.
I really MUST learn how to dedicate myself to more important activities, such as studying – not that I actually need it to graduate; it's not an academic demand, it's a life's exigency.

No greater plans for carnival commemorations. I really wanted to party a little, to be sincere.
Getting lost among the shadows of the night, waking up on the next morning, on an unknown place, in the bed of a stranger. with a massive hangover. (LOOOOOOOOOOOL)
Wild dreams, indeed.
But isn't carnival the dirtiest part of the year?