Ok, I'm close to madness now.
I don't know whether I'd better keep on or undo all things I did recently about my emotional life.
Well, I just undid one thing… And I don't know what I do now.
I'm REALLY confused!
What's better for me? To keep things on past, or live the present no matter how hurting it is?
To put an end on what's been hurting me, or to chase it like a hungry dog?
Am I being weak?
Answers, that's all I'm begging for.
The day finally came. Eventually scheduled, the farewell, the eternal farewell.
I wasn't sure of anything, and I still ain't.
The right time, the right phone calls, the right anxiety and bubbling nerves. And there was my dearest ray of light, gorgeous as never.
Everything went quite fine. I had many gifts to give, but only the materialism would triumph in the end, and I knew that. Silly moments at an occasional place, silly conversations, silly stares, silly requests – money-can't-buy condition, what else would I ever want?
And then a long car ride. Anywhere was the right place, as long as it took forever to end.
That's when I see how my emotions eventually help me – for very quick and superficial instants I remembered how absurdly important these few moments were. Sometimes I am quite cold, and that's how, I guess, I'm still alive.
Finally, a cold goodbye. Everything depending of me was intense, warm, heartfelt, heartful. But the glowing ray of light wasn't aware of how important everything was. That's a sad point.
Then, my light was gone, taking my heart on a piece of paper, what would make every little thing clear. It was the final farewell, the eternal farewell.
Everything was (still is) hurting me incredibly bad. And that's why I made a decision: every single thing, every frustration, every piece of joy, every deception, every single feeling, it would all remain as a creeping memory... Of the past. This was all clearly explained on the letter my little ray of light was taking. This letter was nothing but a blend of my heart, my soul, my mind and my reason. And I thought about every word I'd written as I saw my light quickly fading away...
The light was turned off.
After that, only a quite long sincere virtual conversation. Not that I was quite sure, but everything went clear, and I know that the pair of zeroes would never change. I made my final move.
Goodbye, my love. You still live in the deepest venues of my heart, but I ought to forget you. For the good of me, for the good of you, for the good of everyone. For I'm worth of the happiness you refused to give me.
And that's how it ended.
I'm going my own lonely way, as always.
My heart is bruised, my hopes dead, my life messy and confuse. But it's just a question of time until I overgrow it all.
Anyway...
Dearest memory of my past... I hope you're fine.
Happy Christmas, dear reader ;)
There's a Christmas party going on outside my bedroom right now. It's 01:10 am. I don't know about other cities and countries, but I think that some time ago someone here has confused Christmas with New Year – at least in Uruguaiana, people will wait awaken for the midnight, and then the fireworks will start, and everything will go just like what, as far as I'm concerned, should a New Year party be.
Even worse, everyone kiss merry-Christmas everyone, wishing luck, and overall good things. I FIND THIS SO TERRIBLY POINTLESS. Wasn't Christmas meant to be time to reflect about life? My ideal Christmas, I think, is everyone on their homes, with nobody but the people they live with, eating turkey for lunch (not right after midnight, as it is here). A time for restraining, for self reflection.
Now, New Year is a completely different thing. Yeah, it's also time for reflections, but it's, foremost, the time to think about the future – it's not only about thinking of what you have or haven't done during the year, but also how to make it all better on the upcoming year! I definitely see the point on waiting until January 1st midnight, since it's the beginning of a new year, and, why not, a new era. And I also undoubtedly see the point on kissing happy-new-year everyone, wishing all the best. But doing all this on Christmas… Anyway.
Christmas undergrounds? As disappointing as any other time of the year. All I've got is a small plan, which I'm still not that confident about. I'm gonna write my heart down. That's it. But it's not for today, so look forward for further news.
Well, since it's Christmas, I think I can ask a few things to Santa, can't I? Well, all I want is love, peace... And the brand-new iPod Touch :P Come on, I'm capitalist and I'm very proud of it :D
And for you, dear reader, I only wish peace on your heart... Other things I'd wish for are much more New Year-esque, so see you then :D
And here I am, with glitter still on my brain, but that's not important.
Wed I've been aware of the worst: I'd have to say goodbye. No, it was not unexpected. Actually, I already knew it'd happen. I just never prepared myself for such a situation.
The light turned off for a small time. And from the moment darkness came, and still now, I've lost my way on the undergrounds.
I've been desperately running on dark and dangerous streets I can't see the end. There's no one around. Just me, running, running, running. Going to no particular place.
Nothing's been nice since then. Even working has been rather tough and unproductive. I can't think of anything else. Every sound, every sight, every little thing reminds me of my ray of light.
On the other hand, I couldn't help but being happy that at least someone would go out of this situation happy and fully satisfied. I'm not the only one with feelings and wishes; I need to consider the others, and I really do.
"Your happiness makes mine". That's the biggest truth... And the biggest lie. There's not a thing able to erase my sorrow... Isn't there?
Anyway,
Day after day, hour after hour, minute after minute, I feel my life and my joy slipping away.
I feel all my hope being sacrificed. I feel parts of me dying.
I'm begging, supplicating, gasping.
There's a farewell on its way. There's a lonesome Christmas by the next corner.
Though professionally I couldn't be better (and I deeply thank God for so many professional blesses), I can't avoid myself of deliriously thinking about these (foolish) emotional issues of mine.
Shouldn't life include a soundtrack?
Ok, here's the #1 track on my personal charts by now. And it was a suprisingly instant hit :D
It's called "Eu Gosto Tanto de Você", by Lulu Santos. I don't know exactly whether I've heard it or not (loooooooooool) but it REALLY expresses well every feeling that's in my heart now.
Since it's an English-only blog, I've translated it :)
Here it goes:
Gosto Tanto de Você (I Like You So Much)
Lulu Santos
i like you so much
that i prefer to hide it
so i let it
be implied
like an idea that exists in the mind
with absolutely no obligation of happening
i find it so beautiful
this being-abstract thing, baby
beauty is fugacious, indeed
it's an idea that exists in the mind
with absolutely no pretension of happening
it may even look weakness
be it, then
the joy it gives me
it goes without saying
if tomorrow things ain't like this
it's only up to me to forget it
what i win, what i lose
no one needs to know
;)
P.S.: Thanks Natalicious for indicating the song! Luv ya
Always thought that Saturdays like these were still to happen. My turn, however, has come.
The same invitation, a lot of uncertainty, and a decision: I oughtta make it happen.
The place was rather dark and underground. I couldn't have fun. Simply couldn't.
Many suspects were confirmed. Many masks were falling right in front of me. Mine too. I was too open, but there was no turning back.
It was a whole world of information, brand new information, too much information.
My little beloved ray of light was carved into my heart as never, but, as I was sure, it would not go anywhere else. And that was hurting me. I knew that, sooner or later, something I'd see would hurt me – and I was NOT ready.
I was left alone several times, and I was starting to come dizzy, really dizzy. All that glitter was starting to make me sick. I was near the bottom. But then…
"Somebody'd like to get to know you". A pinch of hope? Certainly. Slowly I got impressed, and more impressed. And the night eventually became nice and gentle. I was letting a lot out, at last.
I was not good at getting what I wanted. But I surely managed to calm my heart down a little. Still I can't help begging for more, I'm definitely relaxed and stressed out.
I'm feeling calm and beautiful.
It was, however, too much information for one night only. Guess there is no again.
Anyway… My year is most likely emotionally finished by now.
Well, week began as expected.
Sleeping heaven at Monday morning. Awaken hell at Monday afternoon. Ok, not actually hell, but it was all very disturbing.
Take note: honesty probably works. Really.
Anyway… I thought I had messed IT ALL up. But I had previous results in my favour. Dear God, another #1. I know that talking so openly about it is fashionably not polite, but I feel really proud of myself for these top spots. I made them by myself. They're my merit. And with them I start writing my own history. No, I don't intent to leave marks on manhood history, lol… I just want to make a road I'll feel proud of. Simply that. No pretensions of being famous or notorious, nor anything alike – if that happens, ok, I won't object it xD
Well, as I was saying, previous very nice results helped me, and… Succeeded :D Reaching objectives is simply AMAZING. And everything looks and smells quite delightful. Hope I'm never proved wrong xD
Consequence? Schedule will be fucked up, all over again. Ok, I've born several dramatic changes… Let's just see how I'll manage it all.
No greater new this week. The undergrounds? They've been quite disappointing. Everything is on the same place. No exciting move, sadly. I've even tried an approach, but the ice remains unbeatable, as always.
Ok, dear reader, have a nice weekend ^^
A full weekend has just passed me by. Just one more, though. I spent the whole Sunday planning and planning, but laziness took over, once again.
Well, it's a brand new week starting, isn't it? Let's see what I've got for the following five working days.
It's my first full week in vacation. My schedule is changing a little this week. I don't know how long I'm going to take so many changes on my routine. Ok, I determine them all, but in the end, I'm the one who suffers the most. I even think I am the one to suffer, LOL. Anyway...
Tomorrow (mon) I'm gonna talk to very important people, and, if everything goes pretty fine, my routine (and even long anticipated plans) will be subject of dramatic changes and even cancellations. Actually, I don't even know what exactly means things going "pretty fine". My near future is after a completely dark fog I can't see through...
The following four days? Well, nothing special planned. I just hope to meet nice people who can be nearly as cool as my old morning mates – dear girls, I already miss you! Keep on spinnin' it, I will be back!.
Ok, paragraphs of only my social and open life. Now taking more seriously the initial purpose of this blog (alongside English practicing), the undergrounds of my life are... Rushing as hell, but still as cold as Antarctica (before the global heating at least). I've been talking to my dearest, and, IM after IM, it all seems hopeless. Yeah, I'm needing some brand new shine upon me. Yesterday.
I'm afraid of these vacations. All this free time will undoubtedly make me think of what I shouldn't, lol. My inãoPod will be demanded this week. Definitely.
Well, that's it.
Cheers!
This is an actual dream weekend.
Showing off on an undesired internship selection, and keeping all the glam indoor the rest of the day (as i normally do, though =/)
A small spotlight of this Saturday was some dirty talking (grubby sense) with a special friend of mine. Fucking hot gossip, indeed! Don't blame me. I appreciate knowing the dark, daaark blurs on above-any-suspect people J
The only thing i'm still unaware of is why this special friend simply disappeared on the middle of the conversation.
Anyway.
