Clock stays still

And a new month starts off, declaring the final departure – until next autumn – of the chilly weather.
Sunny, deep blue sky took over, as well as the very well known torturing heat, which’s just on its very beginnings.
South hemisphere’s summer is definitely on its way.

More than that, though, this month is born having the responsibility to bear, all at once, every single dream and plan I once made for this year.

A few weeks ago, as reported on the previous post, my cards castle so carefully built for months suffered an apparent shake, so I had to rush to try getting everything into place.
I needed to save it, needed to save my life.

So I did every single thing at reach.

Investigations to details, a hand from angels walking on Earth, invisible radiation lights, long and deep breaths, prayers, a bit of sweet-smelling smoke and sleepless nights after, I can only say, by now, that at least I’m physically alright.

Health-wise, the night of the lost screams has apparently been just a (hard to forget) scary episode that might never occur again.
This is, in very few words, an immense relief.
Thanks God…

On the other fields of life, all that is left for me – for now – is the bitter wait.

Oh, this painful war…
The crossed fire is now over and the troops are back to the headquarters.
I was a soldier in this battle myself.
And I fought in green.

Analysis and accountings are now taking place somewhere, while I, still craving for the colours of rebirth, hold a picture of a sweet life close to my heart, clinging to my dreams and my faith.

Moreover, it is my utter despair to scream it's all a question of the simples, purest Justice.
Justice is only one thing, unexplainable but fully understood by its simple mention.
And this is exactly the same Justice I've chosen to dedicate my life to reach.
Imagining a picture of having this dream taken away from my arms is just wholly unfair, in a way I'm just lost for words to describe.
Such an unfair scenario is something that truly leads me to total perplexity, but at the same time gives me the surety that I did my best - and this something no one will ever take from me.

Oh Divine Justice, shall not Thou let me down.

And the clock seems to linger at every second mark.

My skin itches, my back hurts.
Every little thing is a sign. Every ritual broken might mean a huge disaster – OCD starts to show, stronger than ever.

But I, rather obviously, ought to keep my cool, kill time and get my mind somewhere else - let’s plan an empty trip, let’s hang out with a stranger, let’s play silly, let’s read a blank book.

And the clock continues to stays still.

There’s not a lot I can do right now, I guess, other than living for the moment.

You can call me spoiled, you can call me unthankful.
If that’s fair for you, it’s ok for me.
I surely am, however, deeply aware of all the blessings I’ve been sent, and terribly thankful for each one of them.
Life is surely wonderful and there isn’t a bit I could complain of.

Still, it’s not my fault – I believe – if I happened to be born with this insistent itch to always keep moving, keep walking (or why not running) and never let the journey stop.

In the end, in a very Kylie's fashion, I just want tomorrow to be better than today.

And I light a candle for this dream.

Dear reader, might your tomorrow be better than today.
Have a great weekend!

Cheers!

Green is for hope

Even though mid-october is a bit too early to reflect about an ongoing year, i can already look back and see how intense 2010 has been to me.

It’s been a year of discovering, exploring, tasting and, on wider terms, hunting, on a more general sense.

Hunting like a dog for its life, for its future, for its immediate supply.
It has been fun, teasing, exciting.

Actually, everything was purely bright and colourful a couple of weeks ago.
Life was wonderful and brilliant, as it was mirroring itself on exactly two years ago.

But far from being perfect, a few battles and heartbreaks after, some negative effects have started to show.

Earlier this week, for instance, the nights of the furiously frozen body showed what they were being a prologue to.
That same evil presence around me, that same feeling of being watched and controlled, taken over. It was there again.
Then I was screaming and running for safety, only to find a pair of terrified eyes… My last memory, before falling to the floor and waking up a couple of hours later, far from wherever I felt.

Little i remember from then. Just some flashes and unconnected scenes. Never before my memory failed so largely.

Health issues -- i now apparently have some relevant ones, so i’m working on indentifying and, well, battling them.
It was all just a scare, i guess.
Or a sign with more spiritual meanings… A presage.

How i wish, however, this was my only concern right now.

Then my dreams come to scene. So chased after this year.
I promise you, my dear reader, if i didn’t give my blood to them, i would sure have given, had i had the chance or the instant to.

Never before it all seemed so close. I could nearly touch them.
As i said, everything was painted on the deep and happy colours of good uncertainty.
Yes, sometimes in this life there’s some sort of good doubt, and this is utterly sweet living in.

How i hope these times had not passed…

Surety, however, comes.
This time, not close as sweet as the preceding wondering.

Why? I ask myself, struggling to find an answer.
Living in wondering and doubt is mostly so amazing. When things come to the concrete field, they either bring you deception or just merely stop being funny.
This is a rule of life, now i guess.

For me, the sweetness is gone, and I’m on the most bitter, sour moments of this year.
I was suddenly so close to my dreams, but yet pulled away by my left foot, so painfully.
I can’t reach it just yet.

Once again, I’m living on the uncertainty.
A bitter, agonising, painful uncertainty.

It all seems as if the colourful sunny sky of weeks ago was covered by dark, rainy clouds.

So I dress in green.
Green is for the power of nature. It’s for rebirth. It’s for hope.

Hope that it all will pass and I shall eventually be living my dreams, my life as I have planned it.

And dressed in green, I prayed and asked for Heaven’s help as I followed the Saint Virgin, Mother of God, through the streets on this very Sunday.
Yes, my Catholic roots show every now and then.

How I wish I’m protected and looked after right now.
Oh, Mother…

Hopes and hopes. That’s what I cling to, so that I can still breathe.

Still dressed in green, I fold my sleeves and head onto the battle.
The war isn’t over, and I’m bound to win it.

It’s all just a storm.
It will be gone eventually.
And the sun will shine again.

Oh, dear reader, live to your best!
Have an amazing week.


Cheers!

i know...

...i should come here more often.
...i should've already written about the oh-so-many things i've been through lately.
...i need to write anything, just to relief the pressure, to feel a bit better.

i know, i do.

however, creativity isn't quite coming so much to me lately.

so, basically, i just wanna let you know: it's been amazing. it's been quite tragic sometimes. it's been messy, dizzying, confusing.
anyway, it's been intense.

life! - now and then i've got one.

currently, however, not.

so much to focus on right now...
will i make it?

doubts, doubts.

and so life goes...

i'm sorry about the prolixity.

Xxx