Crossing the lines

A few days passed, a few things happened.
I failed at most exams and my heart was mostly forgotten, still a few beats were still missing.

Time was simply passing.

I was simply existing.
Walking in any streets, I was simply letting go, letting life guide me anywhere.

And sometimes, that’s enough.

Running from the world, I was found.
Spotted and captured by an angel. Purity and innocence. Cleverness and utter cuteness.
Only a few minutes of information and nothing else was necessary. Aphrodite’s son hit me yet another time.

Once again, I was taken aback and my mind was absolutely somewhere else.

My thoughts, my heart, they were all pointing to other side of the line, of the edges.

And our moments became so warm, so special, so beautiful.
Like a poetry written in bad English, feelings were the only motor force behind us, making it all appealing just for the hearts involved, no one else.
We were quietly moving fast into a new direction. Maybe I was going even faster myself.

No, the tension moments are to be forgotten.

Got my admission.
Then I left my house, left my clothes. Crossed the bridge, crossed all the lines.
Inside me, a wide open door.
Heaven knows. You’re so worth it.
Hit the road.

At that point, I was pretty much uncertain on what exactly I was after, or if I was ever going to get any of it.My fear led me to establish a limit of my hopes: that was a quest for my sanity. I needed some fresh air. I needed to go somewhere new.

My throat was, however, half closed. There was that burning crave inside of me. Difficult to win it over.

A gentle old lady beside me giving me the candies I needed to make the sour flavour of waiting just a bit sweeter.

Heart beating hard. Butterflies in my stomach, flying up to my throat and almost finding their way out of my mouth.

“All the luck to you, my young boy” – the words I heard from that lovely old woman as she, with her both hands, held my right hand, immediately before we went separate ways.

And there it was, staring back at me: the sweetest reality.

I was feeling obviously nervous, but the tension slowly gave space to comfort and to a very enjoyable time.
Yes, I was enjoying myself amidst that unknown place. Such a lovely piece of country to be and to explore your universe.

“It’s weird, I’m not nervous with you” were the words I, once again, heard, sitting on the terrace of that intimate restaurant, which provided a romantic environment and a beautiful view of the coast – sadly and ironically spoiled by the darkness of the night. But the words, would they, this time, be enough?

Slowly walking back home, the lights and the stars glowing in our eyes, and the emotion making me truly starry eyed.

And then I threw my heart.
Let’s join forces/We’ve got the guns and horses

Next thing… We’re touching.

Oh dear reader. Just a bunch of new experiences and dreams come true.
Just beauty and colours.
And poetry.

…

And then it was time to leave.
Things went a bit cold, actually.

A shock of views, a shock of culture, and then you can nearly have a glimpse of how bloody wars have their beginnings…

Friendship is a promise. Am I breaking it?
Pretend you can’t take what you’ve found.

Three magic words. Three overrated words. Three forbidden words. Internationally.

And as the autumn rain started it – eventually violent – falling, I took my way back home.
And the holidays were over.

I don’t think I’ll ever understand how things happened and how they reached that point. I don’t think I’ll ever understand how I walked into that trap and how it all turned out to be what it did.

So magical, yet so twisted and complex.

My heart feels more comfortable, but, still, obviously not satisfied.

And my quest for sanity, well, it ended up being a bit successful actually.

Nevertheless, I’m still just existing, just breathing.

When will I live?

These questions keep bugging me. Meanwhile, I act random, I move away from myself.

And life, lived or not, keeps on.

Hope I can get myself on track really soon.

Amazing midweek, dear reader.

xx

Who’s gonna dance tonight?

The brief story of a dancer and a disco dream.

That night was just another night.

A good weekend, flavoured with the anticipation for the week that would follow – featuring the most providential free time I could have ever prayed for.

The day – when I’m going to be put on one of the most important and once-in-a-lifetime tests of my whole life – was getting closer hence the tension inside me was growing bigger and bigger, to a point I couldn’t quite control myself for some times.

Let’s have a break.

A recent article – such a perfect excuse for my google skills – and there I was, going for silly and time-killing expedition.
What was I looking for? ...Do I even know? – deep inside, though, I probably do.

And so I jumped into another and more specific adventure.

Press the shuffle button.

Focus on me, focus on them. What do you do when you don’t actually appreciate the track?
And so, on that huge playlist, I found it.
There it was: the song I had been looking for.

Deepest electronica – pulsing immediately through my veins, giving me electric shocks. I was listening to lights. I was seeing magic. I was feeling music.

And what to do when a song gives all the love and energy back to you?

Quite some excitement, my dear reader.
I was hooked. “Repeat forever” was turned on.

How gentle from you.

On the dancefloor of life, I’d dance forever to that disco anthem.

Saturday nights, however, always come to an end.

As the working day dawned, the track, all of a sudden, was over.
The discothèque was closed.
…And the lights were simply blurred away.

Sadness. Quite a deep sorrow. Crave. Hunger.

Suddenly, on a moment I simply can’t remember, my once whole was felt to pieces and everyone was getting away with some portions on the hand.
Except me.

Such a déjà-vu – and I cannot remember when it had happened before.

For that finished piece of while, I felt my heart beat again, I felt colours riding through my veins, being cast by my soul.
That taste of excitement, of a possibility.
And the sweetest, oh so damn rare feeling of reciprocity.

But the track, once so sweet, had reached its dead end.
Without the smoothness of a fade out, it was all gone.

Have you ever been relevant last week?

And now, quite ironically, it all seems like some sort of fair retribution from the universe.

For I have done this, I shall be a victim myself. For thou have been bruised, should thou be a criminal.
This time around, my criminal.

Victim of an assault, on the floor I was laying. So immature. So unable to get up and move life forward. Someone killed the groove.

What an uncalled for distraction to keep me away from what I should focus on. Damn!

Where’s your heart I’ve been asked.
It’s with that melody. With those lights. With these extremely brief burning moments on the dancefloor.

And as the day takes its slow walk away to sleep, I can only wonder...
Who’s gonna dance tonight?
Who will be tuning his heart to a perfect track?

Not me.
Music is over and too much has been said. I have now left the disco scene swearing I was never gonna dance again...

My life, however, has to keep on, but - regardless my promises - not without the suffocated hopes for a new disco dream, for a new chance to become an eternal dancer.

Until then, shall we focus on what's important.

Cheers,
x

Trip diaries

-- sorry about the delay. x

Early January, 2010.

Festivities were over. My foremost mission to the last five years finally and beautifully accomplished.

A new title and - going a bit over-the-top - a new person.

On the other hand, last months had been somewhat too much for me to take and recent events had proven this quite right. I was becoming a self hazard. I was needing a time to rest and rescue myself from all that insanity.

Time to hit the road and go to places magical enough to make my days brighter again.

There was some pressure, though. Would I even manage to get there? I was confident, but a bit astonished.

But there was I. On the lead.

How amazing would be seeing such a scene a couple of years ago?

And for a first-timer, things went exceptionally better than expected.

Long hours later, the paradise was smiling at us.

A beautiful tone of blue all over, created by a sun that shone so bright and fiercely that any colour reached an unprecedented level of vivacity, of life and intensity.

Amazing to face it again. Even more amazing to provide it to her - pretty much the reason I’m doing it all.

Walking on the coast, feeling the cleaning and healing power of the water wash away all the negativity I could offer to it.

Let’s take a walk, let’s wander around, enjoying ourselves and leaving the worries far behind for a moment or two.

And facing the sky through the brown lens of some occasional cheap sunglasses, I was feeling happy, with a sense of accomplishment, and truly, truly beautiful.

Walking alone, however, takes some faith.

And so I knew.

For the first time I felt proper.

Time to get out in the summer rain. Time to go in for the kill.

Now close your eyes and just feel the breeze.

How many stares?

How many nights?

How many breaths?

How many fingertips on a nearly untouched skin?

And the sea became the most beautiful background to some of the most thrilling and rules-breaking moments of one’s life - not to mention some of the freakiest moments, in details I simply couldn’t mention.

Some days later, a nearby city.

And, still, I was managing it all with an unknown mastery.

A long night walk on the longer sand field, drinking some coconut water.

Heading into an unknown trail, just to reveal some of the most beautiful views one could wish.

A neighbour and narrowly frequented piece of sea. A nearly virgin paradise, and we were free to be ourselves, never worried about some curious stares.

Time to wave Neptune goodbye.

Part two of the adventures were located on that astounding and much loved (by me) metropolis.

The town and the people with the power to make me breath life again.

Thrilling moments, I guess.

And then I kept giving into my thrills, getting increasingly more underground.

So to a side street. What a devil beside me.

What do we have to offer?

Blink your lights, give a sign of your availability.

A car stopped by. After that, I can only remember flashes of the sure most underground moment of my life.

The little devil, oh the devil... Had it all planned, but forgotten much of the essential, going absolutely nuts right after.

Such a despair that would get me losing my mind just as much.

How could I forget about such a primary lesson?

And then, my so-planned joyous and relaxing times seemed to be drowned and irremediably wasted.

Driving alone on those dark and mostly unknown streets never ever felt so absolutely painful and anguishing.

A late night time to forget, but ever so hardly... This anguish will accompany me for a time to come... God bless me.

Meanwhile, she, my reason, was going worse and worse, with a growing pain that, to my own desolation, only seemed to reflect her knowing, by a spiritual boundary or whatever, how bad things could go on with me.

On the following day, I was feeling dirty and hopeless.

Feeling ashamed and with a strong despair, making the world twist around randomly.

Time, however, for the scheduled rendezvous.

And so there was that angelical creature, an old friend. Such a mixture of good feelings and a very positive aura. Someone I needed closer to me any time of the year.

A few hours later, a small miracle inside me. How can that friend make me feel so much better?

And thus, calmly and friendly, my pumping and intense-going vacations would end.

When departure time arrived, I was feeling a bit better, ready to leave the dirtiness behind.

The homecoming felt actually much lighter and funny.

Last stop, must I comment, in a small city where we’d become celebrities for no particular reason -- how amazingly weird could that be?

Laughing, enjoying the view and eventually getting safely home.

This vacations did give me amazing moments and, yes, so much of the dark clouds on my mind vanished completely.

Still, that anguish keeps hinting me that not everything went fine.

Hope I can get rid of it soon and finally take the whole adventure as a nice addition to my experience and a very - very - important lesson learnt.

But, well, back home, life is ready to start off again.

It’s a new phase.

I’m feeling good and ready to enjoy my future.

Yes, 2010 may now begin.

Cheers!

x