Rollercoaster

A long winter this has been.

Amidst the agony of another delayed phone call and the pain of yet another missed spot, in the core, there was me, seemingly the very same person as very always.

Another day, another train, another flight to an undisclosed destination.

My heart skipping beats prior to finding kind strangers, as some sort of compensation given by life to the mishaps that would follow.

And after waking up in the apartment of a high-rank officer and having breakfast in the sumptuous Int'l Airport of the centre core of the Republic, just to have, only some hours later, a delayed lunch in the form of a snack of dubious quality, in the bus station of the countryside town of Nowheresville, in the middle of vast uninhabited fields, I had the most precise glimpse of the rollercoaster life is.

What a disgrace it is to ride it without having your hands holding steady.

Falling just like the water, in the Great River, where three nations hold their hand.

In such a massive, indescribable nature wonder, too enormous to fit the modest human eyesight, I held my hands to that very well known stranger.

A new beginning. New hopes.

Classrooms, mistaken plans. This very ending of the year proved itself to be as messy as I myself could have written it, except none of it was planned at all.

And as the ships leave and fade in the distance, breathlessly running uncertain miles have become the main outlet to my unaccomplished dreams and the most successful manner to flee from the port.

The tender smile, with its twisted background stories, was hastily elected as my comfort while I would recover my breath.

And while I do feel like being comforted, I still sometimes sense the Leviathan within, swimming in the rivers not too deep in the undergrounds, being fed with all the fears, deceptions and loathing, thrown away as useless junk throughout the months, the years.

The magnificent, yet terrifying creature seems, at times, to be growing bigger and stronger, to my own dismay and, more accurately, utter terror.

The ups and downs of the roller coaster may shake Leviathan furious.

And I am uncertain of the outcome if it emerges in its full glory.

All the mental abuse I have been subject of, all the control I have lost, all the mess I have walked into, all the self-esteem that has vanished; nothing seems even remotely close to the scenario I was expecting at this stage of my life.

The awareness of such situation only bubbles the blood, only makes my vision dizzy out of the purest despair of, maybe, feeling unable to patch my wrongdoings.

The winter has progressed into spring, which itself slowly walked into what is expected to be the hottest summer I have lived, in plain terms of atmospheric temperature.

Soon it will be a new year.

Soon it will be a time to put on my best endeavours to start anew.

Meanwhile, in the middle of a soft summer rain, my troubles seem to vanish, as my selfishness, as steady as it is, is not strong enough make me blind.

It is time to reflect, to learn with mistakes, to multiply the hits.

It is time to hear the others. It is time to share and to realize that, in the end, we should be joyous and thankful. For the straight line may be the quickest ride, but the bumpy ride is the most delightful.

May the new year come.

May a new rollercoaster ride begin.

Xxx